What do I believe?

What do I believe?

A friend recently asked me, "If you don't believe in God, then what do you believe in?"  I believe in many things including a form of God.

I believe in a supreme being.  I don't believe in evolution.  I think we were created and place here by someone, not necessarily "the God."

I believe in the power or prayer.  The brain is an amazing organ.  I believe when a group of people pray together, they have power to do almost anything including heal other.

I do not believe in Heaven or Hell.  I believe this life is it.  This is all we get,  You need to love it and live it a fully as possible.

I believe in reincarnation.  Only a few people seem to be able to remember past lives, but I believe there is enough proof to show it exists.

I believe you experience many hardships in life and no one can really prepare you for them, or protect you from them.

I believe in the goodness and evil of other people.  I know there are good, sweet, sincere and passionate people out there who will help you when you need it.  I also believe there are very unhappy people out there who want nothing more than to be hateful and ugly to others all their lives.

I believe children give you a joy and love unlike anything else.  I believe they can also give you heartbreaks that never heal.

I believe America is the best place in the world to live.

I believe in caring for your elderly parents, yourself.  They took care of you for twenty years, and then it's your turn to take care of them.

I believe in true love.  When you find the right person for your partnership of love, everything is better.  You don't fight with each other; every day of love with them is like the first day you met; you want to be with each other all the time no matter what; you are each other's best friends; you are happy with them, all the time.  I know this is true because I wasted 30 years with a man I loved dearly but who did not love me.  We fought constantly, then settled into apathy for each other.  But my true love is my most wonderful love, even after ten years, I want only him and no one else, and he feels the same.

I believe you get cancer because you inherited the cancer gene from someone in your family tree.  I believe you are destined to get certain illnesses like cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc., just because you have the gene for it.  I do not believe you can change that with eating habits, exercise, or anything else.

I believe very excellent parents can raise five children the same and have one or even two turn out to be juvenile delinquents.  I also believe a bad parent or alcoholic or drug addicted parent can raise five children and have 2-3 turn out to be excellent children.  I believe, whether a child turns out good or bad has very little to do with how they are treated and raised.  It's in the disposition of the child to become the person they become.

I believe parents should never have to deal with the death of their child.  It's an ungodly hurt that one never recovers from.

I believe there are cures for many diseases like cancer, obesity, AIDs, etc., that the government keeps to themselves so the medical industry can continue to make money from their treatments.

I believe there are excellent doctors, mediocre doctors, and stupid doctors.  Pray you get an excellent one.

My life has taken pause

Mother's Day came and went.  All I could think about was my own mother who died in 2010 just before Mother's Day.  Maybe I'll join her by next year.

 

At least I've received a small reprieve.  I won't die tomorrow.  The surgery was as successful as it could be, but of course the cancer is still there.  I survived a cancer surgery that gave me a 10% chance of survival, followed by a second surgery for a diseased gallbladder.  It's taken forever to heal from both of them.  Most foods still make me sick so I'm on a very limited diet.  The scariest part now is experiencing symptoms I had before the surgery like hot flashes and hair loss.  I had both during the two years prior to diagnosis.  The symptoms went away during chemo and did not come back until just recently.  Now I'm stressed again.  The surgery may not have bought me the additional time I needed and wanted.

 

In addition to that I am tired all the time.  I thought that would go away, but the doctor says cancer along with my other problems (diabetes, multiple sclerosis and fibromyalgia - which have all advanced) causes the fatigue.  I sleep a lot, just too tired to get out of bed.  There are many things I want to do and go to, but I'm just too tired.  My family is okay with it.  They'd rather have me here with them as a bed-ridden companion, than gone.  I don't agree with them.  If I going to be this tired all the time, maybe I don't want to live much longer.  I also thought the suicidal thoughts would leave me once I got a life extension.  But this isn't any real quality of life.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.  I shouldn't feel that way, but the doctors say it's normal.  Normal for who?  Not me.  I loved life and never experienced depression before.  This just sucks.

 

When I can get awake for a little time, I spend it taking care of my father who has become steadily worse.  He wanders the house, putting on ten pair of underwear because he thinks he leaks.  "Thinks" is the key word, he does not leak.  He changes clothes four times a day which creates a huge pile of laundry for me.  He'll only wear jeans and western long sleeve shirts.  Four days is 16 pair of jeans and 16 shirts.  That's three loads of laundry in addition the household laundry which is another three loads for four people.

 

No jobs on the horizon and my husband is on his last tier of unemployment.  I don't know what we will do when it is all gone.  It ends in July.  We are up to 400 job applications and the last 100 didn't even get an interview.  Most of the job applications just want your resume and if you are lucky you get a "will call."  We didn't receive one call back.  And it's not my husband's fault.  He has taken resume and interview classes, and keeps a very nice set of clothes for interviews.  He applies for absolutely everything including janitorial and dishwasher positions.  We are desperate for work.  Despite that, I stress about him going back to work.  Well I be able to care for the baby and my father in my current condition.  I have no choice if he works.  We are trying to gear up for that.

 

In addition to this, my son, the Marine, is now stationed in Afghanistan.  For seven long mommy months I won't be able to see him.  He knows how that effects me.  Due the area he is in and high security, he can only contact me via high security group phones and internet.  He writes me a few lines each day, and calls once a week.  All the guys on the base share a couple of phones and computer access.  Sometimes he has to wait until everyone has bunkered down for the night just to get access, but bless his heart, he tries.  I miss him terribly.

 

I want to thank all of you for supporting me through this.  I believe I never would have made it if it had not been for my readers and their comments and emails to me.  The therapy of being able to connect with others and write what is on my mind has been so helpful.  Please stick with me.  My battle is not over yet, it has just taken a pause.  I need the pause to care for my dying father.  My life is not my own at the moment.

 

THANK YOU!