Response to Comment about Diet-Lifestyle causing this Cancer

RESPONSE TO THE COMMENT BELOW:

I very much welcome the posted comment below.  It gives me a chance to dissolve the myths about the cancer I have.  Esophageal Cancer is often due to the list below.  However, the type of esophageal cancer that I have is due to two conditions alone, plus missing out on good health care when we are without insurance and a doctor missing all my symptoms repeatedly while assuring me I was all right.  The first condition causing my cancer was years of reflux disease. I was born with acid reflux, as were one of my children and two of my grandchildren.  I have had acid indigestion all my life, plus ulcers from the acid.  Prior to my first pregnancy, at age 21, I was told that my pancreas malfunctions and produces full meal acid all the time.  I was prescribed various acid control medications and antacids over the years.  This acidic condition caused hyper emesis during my pregnancies which also herniated the muscle at the top of my stomach where the stomach attaches to the esophagus.  This causes acid to roll up into your throat whenever you lie down, especially at night.  I did as doctors prescribed over the years, I did not eat late, I took my meds, and I slept sitting up with a mountain of pillows to prevent the acid from choking me as I slept.  I have had a prominent hiatal hernia for over 25 years due to the severe vomiting during the pregnancies.  The second condition that contributed to the cancer is the cancer gene my family carries for rectal/colon cancer.  My mother died from melanoma stage III, and her three sisters died from colon cancer.  One sister was known to be the oldest living colostomy patient for many years.  She died in 2005.  These two conditions caused my cancer, and if I had been constantly under the supervision of good doctors, one of them may have recognized my symptoms before it was too late.  That was another pitfall.  My physician for the past ten years was a PA not an internist.  I presented my symptoms to him as early as 2008 and he brushed them away.  When I switched to an internist, in January 2011, she immediately diagnosed and found the cancer.

This condition also places my youngest brother, my oldest son and his son (my grandchild), and my daughter’s girl (also my grandchild) in a very vulnerable place.  Their chances of getting this cancer are very high.  They been told and be screening carefully.  I wish someone had told me.  At least I can feel that something good has come of this because they will be forewarned and may survive it with an early detection.

The things you say about health and nutrition are very true and very right.  They should be followed religiously by all every day of their lives.  I had already begun eating healthier two years before I was diagnosed.  That is why the consistent weight loss did not surprise me at first.  I contributed to eating better and exercise.  Even now, I am following a raw foods and organic foods diet.  The hard part is eating enough foods that are high calorie so I can keep my weight up.  Eating food that are good for you tend to help with weight loss not add to weight.  Believe it or not, I was very healthy, energetic and full of life even when I was overweight.  I am still trying to eat well and obtain extra calories while doing it.  It’s hard and requires many high priced and special foods.  I spent $200 at Whole Foods trying to maintain just a week’s worth of needed calories.  It shot our budget to hell, and I had to cut way back the rest of the month.  It gets tiresome focusing on just bananas and avocados for meals, and smoothies to drink, but that’s my current menu.  If I am allowed the surgery, I was told to expect a weight loss of 25-50 pounds in the first two months, which will hopefully be followed by a regular small weight gain if everything goes well.  My current frame is about 160 pounds and that loss will be quite devastating.  I guess we’ll see how it goes.  I have been strained to just maintain the same weight, but loss another five pounds in three weeks.  So, anyway, I totally agree.  And I have been doing raw foods and smoothies, while also adding maybe 10% high calories junk foods, only because I am having trouble maintaining my weight for the surgery.  Honestly, all the smoothies in the world will not help me gain weight.  I drink them all day long.  After a while, you are almost forcing them down despite their goodness just because it is the same thing over and over again.  I want to thank you for taking the time to look something up and share it with me.  I do appreciate it, and I appreciate the exchange it provided between us.  

----- Original Message -----

THE MESSAGE FROM MY COMMENTS SECTION:

From: Anonymous

To: sweet2things@sbcglobal.net

Sent: Sunday, February 20, 2011 10:04 PM

Subject: [Dying Wishes - Can you help fulfill mine?] New comment on Filling the last days.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Filling the last days":

Hi,

I didn't know much about esophageal cancer so I read about it. I found the list of risk factors.
risk factors include:

•Alcohol use
•Male gender
•Obesity
•Poor nutrition
•Smoking

I'm not going to make judgements but I assume you had at least one of them - poor nutrition (since you were obese and looking at your food choices...). So... if what you used to eat contributed to your condition now, why not try to radically change your diet? It might add time to your life, or at least give you more energy in the time you have left. From your other post - "I make every one else a regular meal and then decide between cottage cheese, jello, pudding, and instant breakfast mix for myself." Is this you giving your body the best nutrition possible? I think your priority should be buying fresh, healthy food for yourself.
You should buy and read (or may be the library has it?) the book called 80/10/10 diet. It is an eye opener for most people. It's not a short term "diet" it's a lifestyle people should live in order to have the best health possible.

The book goes into great detail which you shouldn't miss out on. But i will give you the gist of it - Everything besides raw fresh fruits and vegetables is detremental to your health. This info is not new, it has been around for a long time. The author of the book just put it into simple terms so more people can understant it.
Anyway, eating should consist of mostly fruit, daily greens (spinach, celery, lettuce...) and some (very little) nuts or fatty fruit like avocado. Most of the calories should come from fruit. It's the food our digestive system is designed for. People have cured multiple diseases with this way of eating.
It doesn't have to be expensive. You can get overly ripe bananas for a cheap price. You can get frozen fruit to make smoothies with. You said that you can only eat soft food, well this is perfect for you then! You can make smoothies and drink them all day. You don't have to be hungry or live on poor nutrition (jello?? c'mon!) So.... I really hope you will read the 801010 book. You can also check out the forum where we (801010 followers) can ask questions and talk to the author. He is great at supporting and answering questions.
http://www.vegsource.com/talk/raw/

Best of all to you. I hope you will give your body the best nutrition so it can give you want you want - life.

Filling the last days

FILLING THE LAST DAYS

How do you spend your last days?  I spend mine:

(1)    WRITING LETTERS:  I spend mine writing letters to my baby son, who is hardly a baby anymore since he’s 19, but he’s my baby nonetheless.  I want to write letters for each special occasion in his life like marriage and children, his first Christmas without me, his birthdays, getting along with his siblings, helping but not being a co-dependent for his brother, understanding his sister’s bi-polar days, and helping his step-father with the grandbaby.  I also want to advise him on picking love rather than letting it pick him, marriage vs. divorce, dating safely, not letting himself be taken advantage of, religion, saving money, and more.  So many letters, so little time.

(2)   TRYING TO FIND CHILD CARE:  I have spent hours upon hours trying to find and organize reliable child care for my two-year-old grandson.  My husband works part-time evenings and is gone from about 2PM to 1AM including travel time, on the days he works.  Most day care centers are not open after 6PM.  I do not want him staying with a stranger who may abuse him when my husband is away at work.  Most of our reliable family members live out of state, while those nearby are so unreliable.  My husband’s family has CPS problems with their children, and his mother’s health is nearly a spoor as mine.  My family lives too far away which is why I ended up caring for my father with dementia and my mother while she was dying.  I have another blog written while my mother was dying if you are interested: http://mamasdying.livejournal.com/.  I worry constantly about what will become of the baby, and who will end up taking care of him.

(3)   TRYING TO REST:  My husband is so depressed over this that his listening abilities are nearly gone.  He doesn’t mean to do it, but he totally tunes me out.  I find that many family members are doing this.  They don’t want to talk about me dying, and that’s understandable.  It’s also one of the reasons why I chose a blog and talking to strangers rather than them.  I need rest.  I am so tired all the time.  But so are my husband and everyone around me, just from the depression.  We are all having a hard time functioning with any energy at all.  I want to sleep all day long, never leaving the bed.  But the noise drags me out of bed – the sound of my grandson laughing loud, squealing as Papa gets him, banging on my bedroom door to get in so I can save him from Papa’s tickling.  I need to leave the bed, so I do.  I need to stay in it and rest but I don’t want to waste too much precious time.

(4)   PREPARING FOR APPOINTMENTS:  Every doctor appointment and procedure is a time waster.  Many appointments leave me sitting for more than an hour or two in the waiting room.  That is just unacceptable, but I have no choice.  So I prepare as best I can.  I take printouts showing all the doctors, their addresses and phones, the procedures and dates, where the films and tests results are located, etc.  At first I carried it all conveniently on a flash drive.  But not one doctor would download the information from it, which is understandable (who wants a virus), so I carry it all hard copy.  I print it out, and then I fill it all out a second time on their paperwork, and give them the bundle.  It’s such a waste of my precious time.

(5)   BUDGETING TO THE EXTREME:  A co-pay here, a co-pay there (as many as ten one month), 20% of the hospital, 20% of the tests and procedures, and an extra Cobra payment paid ahead because the insurance is trying so hard to kick us off.  They are like vultures waiting for a missed payment.  Therefore I send everything to them certified, return receipt.  One month of co-pays alone were $200 for ten different visits, plus my procedure and tests deductibles, which thankfully are billed so we can let those go to collection.  Then I budget for the car payment, diapers, gas, child care for when I have procedures that overlap Papa’s work days, and more.  It’s been pretty miraculous so far.  Each time I was stressing over the car payment, money came in just in time to cover it.  *fingers crossed*  Let’s hope that continues.  My next biggest worries are transportation, motel and meal expenses for the trips to UCLA.  There will be about four trips total, with a two to three week stay for the surgery and recovery.  We had a small income tax refund which will cover a tiny portion, and are praying for the rest.  But there is a little good news.  We are finally off unemployment after 20 months.  It was due to run out May 2011.  We’ve been scrambling and desperately looking for work for the past 18 months.  My husband’s new part-time job, so far, has given us the equivalent or just a little less than unemployment since he started just three weeks.  My last job was customer service via phone, which is no longer an option for me, neither is working outside the home or at anything that requires regular attendance or attention.  My medications prevent good attention and attendance, and my overall lack of energy and depression prevent almost everything else.  I even considered selling Avon, but then realized I would not be reliable for delivery and returns, and eventually it might get pushed onto my husband and then just dropped.  The economy on top of cancer is a real killer.

(6)   TRYING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS:  I spend time trying to make connections with strangers, online, who will help me fill some of my loneliest time.  When my husband is gone at work, the baby is sleeping, and I am alone with my thoughts – my insignificant life and little bit of time left overwhelms me.  But what I find mostly is the usual people online who use connections to belittle, smear, obnoxiously joke, and generally offer nothing of essence.  So, I’ve reached out for distant friend connections, those who I know, but not with close family or friend connections.  Maybe that will fill this void.

(7)   LOOKING FOR THE CHEAPEST CREMATION:  I’ve been shopping for my own cremation.  I want it to be the absolute cheapest available.  I found one for $400 that seems to include what I need which is just transport of the body, cremation, cardboard box urn.  I’ll be paying for it in advance, so I have to wonder if they are legit, or whether they will scam my grieving husband into a deeper financial commitment when he will not be able to afford it.  I always thought planning your own funeral was the way to go, but it sucks.  It especially sucks when you are the family person who organizes and preps all family loss, and no that no one you leave behind can handle that.  Plus it has to be really, really cheap.  No flowers, no music, no services, no memory get together, no nothing except a cardboard box of ashes and two death certificates.  Just thinking of this sucks so much I just need to move on to the next item.

(8)   HOUSEHOLD DUTIES:  Yes, believe it or not, I still need to do laundry, dishes, vacuum, shop for groceries, keep up maintenance on the vehicles, make doctor appointments, organize a household schedule, blah, blah, blah.  When my husband works, I spend the day taking care of the baby, changing diapers, doing laundry and preparing meals.  When my husband is home, the day work is the same, except we add errands to the list and shop for groceries, diapers, etc.  Each meal time is a challenge.  I make every one else a regular meal and then decide between cottage cheese, jello, pudding, and instant breakfast mix for myself.  Once in a while, if we are lucky, a friend gives us a meal gift card and we go to Red Lobster or Applebees and I have some delicious potatoes and gravy, or lobster dipped in butter, and ice cream.  Anything soft to swallow.  Going out to dinner makes things nicer for a night.  I don’t have to cook, or dig through our meager shelves, and I get to have something fairly delicious and eat slow and enjoy the ambience.  This is one of my few relaxing treats.

(9)   CRYING:  I really try hard to avoid too much crying.  What do I have to feel sorry about?  Why feel sorry for myself?  That all seems too selfish.  Mostly it seems too wasteful.  Crying time can be used to write letters to my son and do the mundane things that need done.

I didn’t think I would be spending my last days doing things that are so mediocre, but we get the hand we are dealt.  And the only thing we really want is more time – more time to do the mediocre mundane things in life.  My biggest worry right now is not the 2-4 months I have left to live, but whether the surgery I may have in two weeks will kill me.  If I take the option for surgery, being so high risk with such a large tumor, I could shorten my so little time left to less than a month.  But should the surgery work, I could lengthen my time to a year, maybe a little more.  It’s a crap shoot.  I’d be very willing to take a couple more years of just mediocre mundane rather than the stress of a few weeks left.

Strangers over Acquaintances

Is it weird that I prefer strangers over people I already know?  I hate seeing the pity in their eyes - and the fear.  If it could happen to me, it could happen to them.  And they see my body, all withered, wrinkled and small.  I use to weigh 220 pounds, and now I’m thin as a rail.  I was boisterous, bigger than life, and totally comfident being the big woman of their dreams.  Now I'm the straw man with my straw falling out more and more, a scarecrow of nothing.  And it scares them.  And I see it in their eyes.  And then they cry.  The tears well up in their eyes.  They want to cry for me, hug me, and hold on to me.  I’ve done my crying.  I need glimmers of joy.  I need sunlight and hosannas.  I need anything but death, crying, tears, fear, pity and that forlorn look everyone gets when they stand before me.  Is it weird that I prefer strangers over people I already know?  Talk to me.  Tell me what you think.  Let’s have a stranger to stranger conversation without prying and crying eyes.

What crosses your mind when your are dying?

Weird Thoughts for Dying

Has your mind ever raced around weird thoughts?  Things that you feel your mind should never touch or think?

I see a beautiful dress in the store window.  I would love to have something pretty that fits.  But that would be wasting money we really don't have to spend, plus it's wasteful to buy something I could only wear a month or two.  There are more important things to spend money on.  Simple pleasures no longer exist.

My mind runs back and forth between resentment and guilt.  I resent the things I have to waste time on and then feel guilty for thinking that way.  I want to say, “Hey, I’m dying and it’s all about me now.”  But the sad truth is – it’s not.  It’s not about me.  I have so little time left and, bless his heart, I married a man who is clueless about raising children and clueless about taking care of himself and others.  That’s my fault.  I’ve always been the caregiver.  I like taking care of people.  And I do it exceptionally well.  Too well!  I take care of people so well that they never have to learn to do it themselves.  I’m exceptionally organized and execute almost everything perfectly.  I could have been a great wedding planner.  I chose instead to become a reporter and then a personal assistant to a CEO.  Later, I built my own home business.  Now, I’m good for practically nothing except dumping a lot of worry and management of items onto my husband.

I resent having to shop for and plan my own cremation.  I resent having to go to appointments alone because my husband just started a part-time job after two years of unemployment.  We just cannot afford for him to lose it because I have doctor appointments and surgery coming up.  I resent that most of my family is incapable of being reliable.  And I think, “Did I make them that way by being so efficient at managing everything?”  I resent that I had to send my baby boy (age 19) away to become a Marine, so I wouldn’t have to worry about him being taken care of.  He’s my only responsible child, and I need to know he is taken care of before I die.  I resent loving my family so much that I still put them first.  And I feel so guilty about all that resentment, and I feel so lonely because I cannot cry to them about it.  And I feel guilty because I want to cry about it.  I want to cry all the time, but I selfishly do not want to waste what little time I have left – crying about it.

I miss looking nice.  My hair loss has made pretty hair a by-gone dream.  My extreme weight loss, over 100 pounds, has made dressing up in my nicer clothes impossible, and lack of funds prevents me buying anything that fits well.  Plus I hate to waste money on nice clothes when I’m going to die and they will just be thrown away, any how.  I want to do so many things and want to have a few small luxuries, but I cannot justify spending money on anything when I’m just going to die and it will be given away or thrown away afterwards.  It feels like everything is too disposable, including me.

I want to surround myself with my loved ones.  Isn’t that what anyone would want at this point?  But realistically, it’s just not feasible.  People have top work, especially in this economy.  Their job is like a wall of bricks, and they are but just one brick in the wall.  And there are thousands of other bricks just waiting for them to crumble a little bit, or loosen up, or fall away from the wall – so the next brick can jump in and take over that spot.  Family members work, have children to raise, have businesses to run.  They cannot just take off time from life to die with you.

I bet most people think that if they knew they only had a few months to live that they would sell everything and take a trip around the world.  Or they would do and see the things they always wanted to do.  Maybe the darker ones would attempt to kill those who did them wrong or tormented them over the years.  Or some might even think about robbing a bank or casino, so they could have money to blow for those last days.  Sadly, the economy took away any chance at big dreams.  And when it comes down to it, I don’t have any big dreams to fulfill – I just want to be with my family and people who understand and want to be with me while I die.  I resent it because it tends to be too much to ask.  Then I feel guilty about resenting it.  Then I resent it even more because I have to feel guilty about it.  It’s so unfair.  Is it too much to ask for a few happy moments in these last few months?

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Has the crappy economy hit you, too?

Have the past two years been crappy for you?

Has life been exceedingly hard this past two years?  I’m guessing everyone has been hit hard by the economy, foreclosures, and unemployment due to loss of construction jobs.  The huge downhill slide for me began August 2009, when we moved in with my parents because my mother was dying.  My husband just loss his job of three years in the construction trade, and started unemployment the same month.  We knew we would not be able to pay the mortgage on our own home, let alone the mortgage on my parents’ house, too.  My father was suffering from the beginnings of dementia and my mother was dying slowly from COPD, cancer and heart complications.  She needed full time caretaking and my father needed supervision, and that was left up to me alone since my brothers both live out of state.

So, my husband and I made a grand decision.  Dementia prevented my father from feeling comfortable living any where except the house he lived in the past 60 years.  It was not an option to move them in with us, especially since we live din Pahrump which was so far from medical care in Vegas.  So, we moved in with them and I became a full time caretaker for my mother. 

Our house is in foreclosure, due to be claimed in a Trustee’s Sale on April 25^th.  We moved out of our 3,000 square foot home and into 200 square feet of living space at my parents, with all our belongings stored in a shed behind the house.  The move-in included me and my husband, and our two-year-old grandson, who has lived with us since he was born.  The grandson suffers from seizures.

My mother’s health continued to decline.  She passed away, peacefully, at home, in March 2010.  My father’s dementia continues to decline although his health seems good.  The dementia is in the form of crazy, illogical thoughts.  My father gets paranoid about the government taking him social security income, or the baby killing his bird, or obsesses about his arms bleeding (but nothing is there).  It’s difficult.

My husband faithfully searched for work for months.  He spent tons of hours at the construction union hall, to no avail, and finally took a withdrawal (when the news said no work in construction for five years) and tried again with the Culinary Union (the one field touted as coming back the quickest).  We placed 340 job applications in less than 18 month.  We tried for everything from porter (janitor) to busser, to car washes, to stocking, to anything.  We received only four interviews.  It seems Las Vegas casinos are only hiring the young and beautiful who can wear bikinis and upsale $5,000 bottles of champagne.  Last month, we finally received a real interview and a casino hired my husband, part-time, on-call, for work in two restaurants.  He now works 2-4 days a week, part-time hours.  But that is better than nothing, because his unemployment runs out in May 2011, which reduces us real fast to zero income.  We don’t have many bills, but we do have a car payment, Cobra health payment, car insurance, and general expenses like food and diapers, plus our share of utilities.  His part-time work at least covers our basics.

Add to all that the devastating news we received last month, after his second week of returning to work.  I have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and given 2-4 months to live, maybe a year at the outside if I am accepted as a candidate for surgery.  We are scrambling to make final arrangements, line up reliable night time child care, cover our increasing expenses from medical, and find people who can help with transportation to doctor appointments in LA and motel expenses while waiting for surgery and consults.  It’s quite a shock knowing your time has been shortened so much. 

We’re still reeling from the news.  I have a couple blogs and Facebook page online (the Facebook will be approved soon and will link with the blog), and I’m hoping you will join the feeds on both and leave me encouraging messages.  We’re all getting older and facing a lot of the same problems.  Maybe you will have some ideas to help me cope and figure out some of the last day stuff, and to save money by trimming corners.  Maybe some of you are experiencing a parent with dementia and can share with me, or just lost a parent, or have been told you have cancer.  My blog is http://dying-wishes.blogspot.com/ and I’ll post a link on it to my Facebook page as soon as it’s approved.  I’m looking forward to hearing from any of you!

Heading to UCLA for Consult

On March 2-3, 2011, I will be heading to the UCLA Center For Esophageal Disorders - Los Angeles, CA for my first consult.  After the PET/CAT Scan, I was told the tumor in my throat is 10-inches long and not the 5-inches first reported.  My life span is guessed to be 2-4 months, maybe 6 months on the outside.  If the surgeons believe they are able to do surgery on such a large tumor, by removing (resection) of my esophagus, it will not cure the cancer, but it may extend my life to one year or (if very lucky) two years at the outside.  I desperately need that time to make all the arrangements for child care, letters to my son for the important events in his life, caretaking for my 80-year-old father who has dementia, and my own good-byes and final arrangements with my immediate family.  Even though I need and relish the extra time, I also resent having to use it for End Planning.  And then I feel selfish because I resent using it for arrangements because the arrangements are so my family can have an easier time when I am gone.

I’ll be traveling (driving) down to LA for the consult on Wednesday, March 2, along with my oldest son, his wife and my grandson.  The consult is set for early Thursday morning, March 3.  I am so nervous about it.  And the expenses are eating me up.  My husband just started a part-time, on call, job, and cannot leave it or be unavailable for call ins, so he cannot go with me.  The job is so important right now and we cannot do anything to jeopardize it or cause him to lose it or for them to stop calling him in.  We’ve been job hunting for almost two years, and his unemployment runs out in May.  He has to have this job in order to care for our two-year-old grandson, who lives with us. 

I was unable to arrange a reliable sitter for the consult days, so my grandson will go with us.  My son will accompany me to the consult appointment while my daughter-in-law watches our grandson at the motel. The expenses just for this trip, just for the consult to see if they might do the surgery is:  Gas $150 for three tanks; meals $150, estimated at a total of $75 a day cause we will eat cheap; motel room $125, because it’s close to UCLA and we want to establish a place for my support person during the surgery; one insurance Cobra payment paid ahead $384.00, because my insurance is trying real hard to get me kicked off before the surgery; and my co-pay for the visit $50.  That’s $859.00 for just the two day trip for the consult.  If I am selected for surgery, it will be a four day stay at the motel and four days of meals for my same family accompanying me with my grandson toted along for just the first four days while I am in surgery and recovery in ICU.  That part of the trip will cost $1025.00 – conservatively, eating very cheap.  The remainder of the two to four weeks I am recovering and learning to eat again, my husband will come visit me twice, staying overnight once, and then coming to pick me up on the second trip.  We’re figuring his two trips, with one person accompanying him to watch the grandson, will be $475.00 for each, totaling $950.00.  For just this one month, our expenses will be an additional $2834.00 – conservatively.  I don’t know how we are going to make it.  I guess we’ll borrow and beg from everyone in the family – most of which are as broke and unemployed as we are – and pray for the best outcome.

If all goes well, and the doctors say they can and will do the surgery – then the surgery will probably be scheduled right away, with days of the consult.

Why I cannot fulfill these items myself?

You may wonder why I am unable to fulfill even the smallest of the items on the list. We live in Las Vegas. My husband worked in construction and has been unemployed for almost two years, since August 2009. We lost our home to foreclosure and live with my father, who has dementia. We help take care of him. We also took care of my mother from August 2009 to March 2010, when she died. I was working part-time doing customer service phone calls, but with the esophageal cancer, I am just too tired and too depressed to work, plus the doctor appointments - so many of them - conflict with any type of work schedule. So, we were surviving on unemployment alone - using it to pay for a car payment, car insurance, splitting utilities and rent with my dad, groceries, our Cobra payment so I have medical, and many, many co-pays for the medical. We are lucky to afford a night out for dinner. My husband's unemployment runs out in May 2011. He found part-time, on-call work just recently. That was after 340 job applications that resulted in only four interviews. Las Vegas casinos want to hire the young and pretty, not the older more experienced workers. They want girls in bikinis serving expensive bottles of wine around the pool, and not my 36 year old husband. But luckily, we found at least part-time work for him. I have a few dying wishes. Just a few and they are not very expensive. I hope I'll be able to squeeze a few of them in before I die. I've been given 2-4 months to live, possibly 6 months if I'm a real fighter and the tumor does not completely block my throat too quickly. If I am an acceptable candidate for surgery, and if the surgery goes well, and of the recovery from the surgery goes well, and if there ar eno complications from the surgery - I may get a little extension of one year. Maybe you can help me fulfill a wish or two?

Shocked and Dying

MY DYING WISHES: I have a small bucket list. I’m told by some that a bucket list can lengthen your life if you work to fulfill it. I cannot save my life, but I do want to lengthen it somehow, somewhat – a bit?! I’m dying, and in addition to the long list of things I must do to put my life and death in order, I have some simple pleasures I wish I could enjoy. I created my bucket list. I created it knowing it had to be short because I only have a few months to live. I created it knowing I will probably never fulfill any of the items despite the fact they are small, inexpensive things to most people. I cannot fulfill them because in addition to the “bad luck” of dying of cancer, I’ve had a really bad two years filled with other “bad luck.” I live in Las Vegas. My husband has been unemployed for two years due to lack of construction jobs due to the recession. I’ve already stopped paying all bills in my name, and we still barely make the COBRA, medical insurance co-pays, and car payments. My husband and I are raising my two-year-old grandson and caring for my father who has dementia. Diapers over rule Bucket List items, as does managing my father’s medical and health care. I spent the last few days negotiating with the mortgage company to stave off the foreclosure on my home for a few more months to prevent my son and daughter-in-law from being homeless. I spent the last year as a caretaker for my mother because she was dying of old age and cancer complications. I promised her and my father they would never be placed in a hospice or hospital to die. I honored my word. Mother died March 2010. I’m still providing care for my father. We struggle but we survive – at least up until now. Fulfilling a Bucket List of any type is beyond our means. I certainly would like a few pleasures before I die – simple pleasures – inexpensive pleasures. I know it sounds selfish. But a few pleasures between the awful tests that remind me of how soon I’ll die, and the long waits in the doctor offices to discuss how soon I’ll die – well …it would be nice to have just a little enjoyment between those awful days. I wonder, if there is a philanthropist or just someone who is doing well that would offer to fulfill an item on my list? But there is little hope for me these days.

I’M DYING VERY FAST: It’s such a shock – finding out you are about to die. I was just diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer. It’s not a simple cancer. It’s a death sentence. It’s 95% fatal. Some are lucky (if you can call it that) to be in the special 5% who were diagnosed early. I’m not “lucky.” I have about 2-4 months to live. Two weeks ago, I was told I have a 5-inch tumor in my esophagus. I spent several days sitting in doctors’ offices, waiting in crowded rooms, wasting hours of my limited life while sharing overbooked appointments with specialists who have little care for my lack of time. In addition to doctor appointments, I spent several days being probed, scanned and offering my arm for more and more blood tests – not to cure me – but to provide more detailed “palliative care” and to give a more accurate account of just how limited my time may be. Palliative means they’ll try to make me as comfortable as they can while I die. It’s almost laughable, because the specialists don’t mind wasting my “very limited” time so they can drain my insurance funds a bit more.  The "lucky" few in the 5% sometimes live a year of rarely maybe even five years.  They were diagnosed early, when their tumors were smaller than the size of a thumb or just polyps.  If you read posts on the cancer sites, you'll find most of those in the 5% die within one-to-two years.  I get two-to-four months.

PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG - FRIENDS & POSSIBLY FILLING MY BUCKET LIST!

I'M DYING!  The purpose of this blog is very simple. I’m dying within a very short time. I have no means to fulfill a Bucket List, but would very much like to have some simple enjoyments before I die. So I created a Bucket List. It contains some selfish pleasures and some simple needs like diapers and child care.

My Bucket List is not long, not expensive, not too luxurious – but I have no means at all to fulfill even the simplest items on it. I am hoping that there is still generosity among people. I don’t want pity, or hateful comments about this – I would just like to see a little charitable love, encouraging comments, support from the masses I suppose! My address is listed at the bottom of the Bucket List.  Someone suggested asking people to send just $1 or 2 to the address.  They said it adds up.  So I'm going to give it a try.  I try everything suggested that seems even a bit logical.  I already received many good ideas and links that have saved me money, including a link to donate my body to science and save cremation costs.  Someone also directed me to a place in my area that offers free counseling, Reiki, massages, reflexology and such for cancer victims.  The few $1 I may receive in the mailbox will help me keep diapers stocked up and cover gas and meal expenses for appointments in LA.  I'd also like to experience a little bit of hope by having something to look forward to. If I can look forward to sharing this experience with others or setting a date to see a show or enjoy some elegant food or garner a friend or two before I die – it will add to the measure of the time I have left.  Maybe if I can cross items off my list one by one and share my enjoyment of them with other bloggers – I may lengthen the short time I have left with. It’s worth a shot isn’t it? My list is short and simple - but maybe as my time passes, and as I see some of them fulfilled, I can add a few more over time - and hope that my list continues to grow as does my "limited time" - but even the time doesn't grow, at least I can enjoy a few sweetened moments and share those moments with all of you!