New Answers Make Me Too Depressed

Final prognosis:  Eat shit and die!  Or in layman terms – Oncologist says, “We realize you are exhausted by the cancer, but without insurance there is nothing more we can do for you.  You need the surgery now.  You need to start the begging process and hope someone listens, feels sorry enough for you to provide the surgery as charity, and let’s you be their success story.  We are sorry, we truly understand your health issues, but we cannot help you or direct you to someone who can do the calling for you.  You have to do all the research, phone calls and footwork and begging on your own.  We understand who hard it will be, but there’s really nothing else we can do for you since you have no insurance.”

I had to cancel last week’s oncologist appointment because I came down with the flu.  Caught it from the baby, I guess.  I’ve been sick the better part the week, but feeling better now.  It gave the oncologist more time to find a surgeon consult for me.  Of which, we discovered will be NONE.

This may be the last time I write for a while – or ever.  The new doctors at the Cancer Institute have told me further treatment is useless if I am unable to get surgery to remove what is left of the tumor.  I already know there are no competent doctors in Nevada for this type of surgery.  My new doctors had to agree after they spent two weeks searching for a thoracic surgical consultation and could not get a single doctor to respond to them.  Last visit, my new oncologists were all hyped up, stressing how urgent it was for me to see a surgeon and schedule surgery, and promoting all the benefits and longer life from the surgery.  It was hurry, hurry, hurry, do not delay this.  This is a great thing and you are ready.  In fact, the supervisor practically guaranteed that I would get at least five years, if not more, if I got the surgery.  I was hopeful, almost happy after researching what she said and finding it could be true.  But on this last visit, she just hung her head and advised me to beg as much as I could for UCLA to do it free.

My outlook without the surgery, according to her, is fairly bleak.  No hope.  Just waiting to die.  She says I’ll most likely be gone before Christmas.  Don’t you just love it?  Again, I am slammed with hope only to have them pull the rug back and say, Oh, so sorry.  Guess more time living doesn’t apply to you after all, since you have no insurance. 

My insurance (COBRA) ran out at the end of July.  I just received my first bill from the first month of treatment while I was on COBRA – it was $127,000 for just one month, from just one bill collector.  I have two more months’ worth of bills coming from the same group which should be much higher.  I also received the insurance statement from the one thoracic surgeon that I spoke to in Las Vegas while I still had insurance.  Get this – he charged the insurance company $1,000 for a $200 office consultation that lasted ten minutes.  He didn’t even listen to my chest or anything else.  The insurance then paid out $295 for the office call.  He made sure he put enough charges on it to get his full office call payment instead of just the discounted office payment.  How would like to be the charity patient he is working on when there is a high paying insured patient right behind you?  Doesn’t matter because now he won’t even see me for that second consult because I have no insurance.

I always prayed I would not end up in the group of “have nots” when it came to medical insurance.  I watched my daughter-in-law over the years, sitting in doctor’s office after office, waiting for hours for an appointment.  The “haves” were always seen first.  We’d watch people walk in well after her scheduled appointment time while she sat in the hard chairs waiting, and they’d be called before her.  She was use to it, and seemed to be thankful the office would even take her.  She paid $50 cash for each office call, which, if you check your insurance statement, is about what your doctor gets paid via your insurance for the same office call.  What’s the difference?  If you have insurance they add all kinds of buttery money makers like injections, blood oxygen test (yes, some offices charge $10 to clip that little meter on your finger for three minutes), maybe even an oxygen treatment, vaccination or flu shot – and throw in a few x-rays and a great referral to another doctor – and well, payoff!  But no insurance and you lose.  You get 5-10 minutes of hurry up and get out, and maybe a prescription you are unable to afford to fill.

I guess the begging starts now.  I’m going to make a few calls, just like the cancer supervisor recommended – first to UCLA direct.  Then I’ll do research and try to call cancer foundations and organizations, make a wish (for adults) groups (since it seems I qualify if I have less than a year to live).  I feel like absolute crap all the time, barely getting out of bed most days.  On a rare good day of little energy, I spend it budgeting our few bills, playing with the baby, getting groceries, prescriptions and survival goods.  Now, I have to waste my dying time and lack of energies begging for help from dozens of organizations, many of which have already turned me down simply because I do not have the right cancer for them.  You see – they have to draw the line somewhere (or at least that’s what they say).  They can’t help everyone, so they choose one cancer like Breast Cancer or Lung Cancer to fight.  And I bless their hearts for that.  But I have to ask why they can’t widen their parameters and include everyone “dying” soon with cancer.  I understand their reasoning but it just makes me feel more depressed and hopeless.  My type of cancer only has about 16,000 diagnosed a year (about 200 just in Nevada) and out of that 16,000 more than 14,000 are going to die.  After a little more research, I find that most of those have no insurance.  I don’t want to fall into that group without insurance, without hope, but I guess I have no choice.

So here is where I stand:  On days when I can function enough to do the research, I need to find a hospital, group or organization that will pay all expenses incurred with:

(1)    Paying for surgery and recovery at UCLA’s Center for Esophageal Disorders; and

(2)    Paying for transportation for me (to and from Las Vegas) to the UCLA Center plus that of a family member or companion; and

(3)    Paying for meals and lodging for the family member or companion, since the surgery takes a full day and recovery is at least two full weeks of hospitalization and treatments, longer if I experience infection or leakage; and

(4)    Paying for in-home hospice/nursing care while I recover for an additional six weeks at home on a feeding tube and learn to eat solids again; and

(5)    If no family member can accompany me, since it is out of state, a nursing assistant or advocate who can remain with me during the in-hospital time who is suppose to assist with chest thumping and other healing measures.  (My spouse may not be able to accompany me since we have a three year old and no reliable child care, as well as an 80-year-old father with dementia who needs constant supervision.  My husband manages this most of the time, but it would be nearly impossible to find someone to sit with both of them for several weeks.  The baby doesn’t stay with strangers often and my father’s dementia precludes changes which disturb him greatly.)  I may be able to have my Marine son get time off to come stay with me, but that’s iffy, or an ex-husband whom I despise but who may be available and willing.  I fear the use of the ex might hamper my healing though.  I think I’d prefer a volunteer stranger.

There is so much that needs covered that I’m feeling a sense of doom and predetermination for my situation.  I have no hope that anyone will be able to help out with so much.  If only the other cancer center had hurried a bit, followed through on procedures instead of talking them to death and forgetting to set the appointments, if only … *big sigh* pigs could fly.

Is there any good news?  Little to none.  I guess I’m too depressed to search for any.  Our finances are still the same.  We struggle each month to pay our car payment, gas for job hunting, groceries, utilities (climbing higher each month), and diapers.  Every time we have a little bit left over, which is so rare, we wind up begging and borrowing for more debt.  Last month our window a/c went out.  The house was over 85 degrees inside.  The baby’s room was so hot.  We had to get another one.  The cheapest we found was $400.  Thankfully we found some free food banks in the area and discovered commodities.  We were able to survive on noodles and homemade spaghetti sauce, soups and mac and cheese for a couple weeks while we saved.  And then a friend bought an old book collections, my mother’s ring, and some other items from the shed.  It took every last penny we had plus borrowed another $100 from a couple friends – money we probably cannot pay back, but the house is cooled off again.  We’ll have to scrimp on groceries again next month to pay back some of it.  Thankfully the baby loves spaghetti and mac and cheese, and we can get fresh vegetables and fruit from the food banks.

All of that creates more running which stresses our gas budget.  Every trip to the food banks or commodities or WIC, which occurs several times a month, runs down our reserves.  But the food bank offerings have fast expiration dates and we don’t want to feed the baby anything after it expires, so we have to make repeat visits.  I was hoping to get some help with gas through the Kellogg’s Gas Card program (see my blog entry at http://dying-wishes.blogspot.com/search/label/Gas%20Cards).  But so far, no one has sent anything.  If you could please save up codes from the cereals listed and send them to me, it would help so much.

I was so worried but I also had so much hope at the new clinic.  The hope is completely gone now.  I was feeling a little better, but not now – I guess hope does that.  But that’s all loss now and I feel entirely hopeless.  If things get any worse, checking out is the only option.  I cannot imagine having my family watch my slow death of starving too death when I can no longer eat, cjokling on everything, living on a feeding tube they have to monitor, or having to visit me in a state run hospice center, then feeling guilty about my lack of care.  But I am not going to put anymore burden on my husband, bless his heart, he has enough to cope with having a three year old and an 80-year-old to care for, and a shrinking budget.

If you want to help, research for me to find groups who pay for Adult Make-a-Wishes (I’ll ask for the surgery and accommodations), or groups and organizations that are willing to pay for such things for an adult in my position.  I need to get the surgery scheduled as soon as possible, or as it advances I’ll be refused due to the hardening of tissues in my upper stomach, and irritation to the throat where the tumor is invading the lining soon to enter my lung.    

  

Guilt Over Sharing

On another blog site that I frequent when I can, a writer commented that her husband complained about her illness and her writing about it on blogs.  She said she feels guilty because many people are worse off than she.  I responded to her that I do not feel guilty about that, although I do feel compassionate towards other people with illness and who are unfortunate, maybe even more so than I - and try to share what little I have with them when I can.  I only feel guilty about being so close to dying and the cost of dying.  It’s taking resources from the already thinly stretched financials of my family, and that makes me feel guilty.  Spending money on my own medications when we need it for food and job-hunting gas, that makes me feel guilty.  Sometimes I lie to my husband and skip my pain refills just so we can buy fresh bananas and oranges, or some meat for dinner.  I know my husband would go without eating to make sure I was taken care of, so I feel guilty about lying to him.  Sometimes I stretch a doctor appointment to several weeks away instead two weeks, just to save gas for job-hunting.  Sometimes, when he’s out job-hunting, I turn off the little a/c unit in our room and endure the heat to the point of sickness, just to save a few bucks on the electric.  I feel guilty about it because I am sick when he gets home and he doesn’t know why.  I just blame it on the cancer.  

The girl on the blog also commented that her husband doesn’t always believe how much her illness impacts her own life.  If she says she is sick all the time, misses work too much, or just stays in bed, hr makes her feel guilty.  She goes on to mention that hubby has been unemployed for a long time while she has been managing her illness and trying to work, too.  As the only earner in the household doubling up her money with his unemployment, it must be extremely hard.  I call him a heartless husband.  Thankfully, I have an understanding husband who also experiences pain on an almost daily level.  He has a permanently injured rotator cuff from his days of jujitsu competitions and heavy ironwork that made it worse.  So, he understands my difficult moments, like today!  I was fell out of bed to the floor.  My muscles had just weakened so much, that when I attempted to roll over, put my feet upon the floor, and stand up, I simply fell into the floor.  There I was, stuck between the bed and the dresser, about a two-foot walking space in that small 10 x 9 room we live in.  I could not reach the dresser top to pull myself up, and I could not get a firm hold on the bed edge.  I tried rolling myself over but there was not enough room.  I struggled for minutes, then laid there exhausted.  I was too tired to even call for help.  After a couple minutes, my almost three-year old (three in Sept. 2011) leans over the edge of the bed and asks me for his “blankey” which happened to fall off the bed with me.  I laughed.  Part of my movement problem was due to him and his zealous night time movements which confined me to limited stretching space while I slept on several inches of bed beside him.  He was sleeping with us because he is sick with the flu and throwing up all night.  I kept him close to monitor his fever, and my husband, who could of slept in another room, remained with us because I needed help moving the baby back and forth, with wet rags for his head, and vomit clean up off and on throughout the night.  With the noisy a/c unit, he cannot hear me in the other room.  (Have I mentioned that my husband has a hearing impairment?)  When the baby shares our tiny full bed it’s killer for both of us.  My arthritis makes my joints so sore I can barely move.  After a night with the baby beside me it’s almost impossible to move.  Luckily, mu husband checked in on us and helped me up.

We noticed the baby’s illness yesterday, when we went to the new clinic to pick up my new prescriptions.  The baby went with us, of course, since we cannot afford luxuries like babysitters.  He seemed fine but his appetite had been diminished for a couple days.  I wrote it off to the heat.  We took him to the cafeteria first, because he refused to eat breakfast when he first woke up.  I had a slice of leftover pizza wrapped in Saran wrap in my purse.  I picked a table in the corner of the cafeteria for our seating, while my husband bought a large ice tea for us to share.  The baby decided he wanted to go with “papa” to get the tea.  While they stood in line to pay, the baby puked on his shoulder.  I witnessed it and hurried over with napkins to clean it up.  It was a small amount, so we contributed to the baby’s acid stomach he gets when he doesn’t eat regularly.  We all sat down and baby sipped on his juice cup, tea, and ate a bite of pizza, then he threw up again, and again.  Now, I knew it wasn’t acid, but more likely a flu or stomach bug.  The last thing I need is to catch the flu, but when you have a small child there is no prevention or separating yourself from exposure.  My husband carried and rocked him while I waited for the prescription.  Then we hurried home.  We spent the rest of the day alternating between wet rags on his head and body to cleaning up puke.  Thankfully, by evening, the baby was feeling a bit better but the fever was still there, lighter, but still there.  He slept with us and seems perfectly okay today. 

  

The girl on the other blog also commented that her husband said she should feel guilty for talking about problems on her blog.  I experience long bouts of insomnia.  Depending on who you ask, it’s caused by worrying about dying, my illness, the results of my illness on those I love, leaving those I love with too much to deal with, the meds I’m on, or the cancer itself.  Who knows?!  But I spend a lot of those insomniac moments writing in my blog.  It helps.  It sometimes helps me relax enough to at least try and sleep, or I come across something or someone that helps me.  I feel bad that she has to feel guilty when she shares just because her unemployed husband doesn’t like it. 

I think we all consider people who are worse off than we are.  It's called compassion.  The problem I come across is people who feel they have suffered more from the same type of cancer than I, therefore my suffering is not exaggerated enough to compare; or people who want to defend all those out there who are worse off than I.  I get many internet "haters" who feel it's their place to tell me to quit whining and get on with life because they know people who suffer more (and they do not say it in a comp[assionate way!).  If I had more life to get on with, then that might work.  I cannot help it that I am depressed over dying sooner than I ever imagined.  I cannot help being depressed over leaving my husband broken and alone, a widow at age 37, his very first marriage, left to take care of everyone's mourning, my dementia stricken father and our three-year old - all alone!  There is no family to help - most have died already.  He will be a widow, single father, jobless, and nearly homeless - and I'm depressed having to put him in this position.  I think I deserve the option of being depressed (duhb!).  He has so much to deal with now, and even more, and all alone, when I am gone.  There are no jobs to support the family.  There is no insurance to help with the baby's health.  Every penny must be managed carefully for food, gas and shelter.  Everything is truly pitiful, bleak and hopeless.  But I'll be damned if I'll feel guilty about sharing my life's problems with others, here on my blog, just because someone, somewhere is worst off than I am.  I have compassion in my heart for almost everyone, and I even share with them when I can - but guilt?  The only guilt I feel is leaving my poor hubby alone to deal with everything while I cut out early to the funeral urn.  The ones who should feel guilty are the internet “haters’ who find enjoyment in “anonymous” torment of those less fortunate just for the fun of it.  Cowards!  Sign your name to your obnoxious, exaggerated and untrue comments and take the feedback.  But their comments will not make me feel guilt.

Nexium coupons? Discounts? Please?

I am so sad.  I cannot believe how quickly I was just dropped from my current oncologist and the support there.  As soon as my insurance ran out, I was no longer a concern to them at all.  I did ask if there was some way I could use my oncologist for second opinions.  They said, “Sure,” but it’s at a cost of $95 cash per office call (which is a discount from the $235 it usually costs).  I just cannot afford that.  The people at my new location, Nevada Cancer Center, sound nice.  Since they treat people without insurance or money to pay for office calls and treatments, I just hope the nice lasts.  It’s bad enough having cancer without being stressed because cancer office workers treat you crappy.  I really need my prescriptions filled.  The pain from my fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis is horrible.  I’ve been without pain killers, blood pressure medicine and anxiety medicine for several weeks now.  The County will not fill prescriptions written by doctors other than their own.  So, I have a stack of written prescriptions written by my last oncologist that are worthless.  The discount online drug center I found takes care of most medications but not pain killers or anxiety meds, and it takes a couple weeks to get your medications via snail mail.  I sent in the blood pressure scripts to them.  They are filling part of the order, but the rest is on back order and they do not know when it will be in again.  That sucks.  I knew it was too good to be true.  I just need to order way in advance next time, before I am running out.  I wish I had found them sooner.

I really need to fill my Nexium prescription for my stomach.  It’s crucial to the area where the cancer is due to my severe acid reflux.  I was on OTC Prilosec for five years, which worked great for a while, but then I developed a tolerance to it and it stopped working.  Zantac, Axcid and the others never worked for me.  I was put on Nexium about five years ago, and it works great.  But I’m completely out.  The Outreach prescriptions do not carry Nexium.  Too expensive I guess.  So, I’m looking for coupons to use or free one-time fills, so I can fill the prescription and pay for it myself until I get the County prescriptions free.  The County scripts could take a couple weeks since my intake appointment is the 16^th and it will be about two more weeks after that for my general GP appointment.  At the other cancer center, my oncologist wrote all my prescriptions.  But at County they want to keep it separate I guess.  That means many more trips to the doctor and sitting in more doctor offices for hours on end to get the same thing accomplished.  I wish my husband could find work so we could get back on an insurance program.

I think the biggest crime against people should be wasting the time of those who are dying.  If they know you are terminal, you should not have to wait hours to see a doctor or stand in line to receive benefits or help.  It’s just awful.

If you have or come across a coupon, discount or free script fill, please send it to me at Elaine Swe, P.O. Box 363323, North Las Vegas, Nevada 89036.

My Favorite Marine mother poem

My very favorite poem is excerpted from "Letters" published in the book "The Warrior" copyright Frances Richey 2008. I recommend - buy the book, it will make you cry.

LETTERS
Last Mother's Day, when he was incommunicado, nothing came.
Three days later, a message in my box; a package, the mail room closed.
I went out into the lobby, banged my fist against the desk.
When they gave it to me, I clutched it to my chest, sobbing like an animal.
I spoke to no one, did not apologize.
I didn't care about the gift.
It was the note I wanted, the salt from his hand, the words.

I believe every Marine mother feels this with each and every letter from their child.

New Doctors, Next Steps

My husband went to the interview for the job.  The interviewer said he really liked him and was pleased with his answers to the questions and his experience.  He said he going to have the restaurant manager call him in for a second interview the following week.  No one called. My husband checked back in with them and was told the position had been filled.  This seems to be the standard lately.  If we do get an interview, we do not get a call back.  Later when we check out the place, we usually see a bunch of young girls working it.

I'm really fighting the depression.  I am thankful for those of you that have helped during this awful time in my life.  If it were not for you, I would not be here.  I feel an obligation to hold on because the few of you who helped made such a wonderful gesture to me.  You helped a stranger for no reason other than you wanted to.  So, I'm hanging on - for you - and for my Marine son - a few more weeks, maybe months if I'm lucky enough. 

My Marine son, my baby darling, will have additional leave saved up again by October.  He plans to spend it with me - and I look forward to seeing him again, so very much.  All the help from my readers and followers have gotten me this far, and I'm hoping you'll get me through to October even though it seems so far away. 

I have gained back a little weight which is good.  Almost ten pounds.  I'll need it if I plan to continue with the last three chemo treatments.  I'm going to talk to the new doctors about continuing the treatments, and hope they will allow someone who is indigent to be treated with those terrible and expensive drugs.  The chemo drugs are about $60,000 and the follow up shot for white cell development is another $7,000 - plus anti-nausea medications, pain meds, etc.  It's about $100,000 a month.  If my potassium bottoms out again, it will include hospital stays to stabilize me which cost $12,000 last time.  I've been told by others on county aid that the cancer center will not give expensive treatments without insurance.  If that's the case, my doctor told me the little time I managed to acquire will be lost quickly.  I'll be back to just a few months to live instead of an additional six months or so.  I hate to think I wasted being sick those two months for nothing.

We're so broke.  I have no reason to get up and move around in the mornings, so I just stay in bed all day.  It's probably why I gained back some weight.  We were squeezing out a few dollars twice a month to go to the local public pool in the evenings, as an outing for the baby because it has a waterpark inside, and to cool off.  We only have a swamp cooler for most of our house temperature control.  We had a small a/c unit in our bedroom, but when the humidity became so high, we ran it a lot to keep the baby cool enough, and it finally quit on us.  Thankfully, this week is dry heat, and even though it's 103 degrees in the daytime and 80 degrees at night, it's not too bad.  The movie theaters use to allow free admission for family summer event time, but they changed it and say they are now going to charge a $1 per person.  We went there a few times because it was free and because it was air conditioned.  One theater has a free water park for toddlers nearby, so we'd go to the theater and then to the water park and let the baby play for a while.  But we cannot afford the theater or the gas to drive there, because it's all the way across town.

We're conserving our gas for possible job interviews.  My husband, bless his heart, goes out to distribute flyers in the heat.  It's usually about one day a week for a couple hours, but at least it pays the gas.  We had to break down and buy another used stroller at the thrift store.  The one we had broke a wheel.  We hated wasting the gas to look for one, but we had no choice.  If I have to go to the store or anywhere while my husband is at a job interview or doing the flyers, I need a stroller because I cannot carry the baby or his supplies.

I have my first appointment with the new doctors on Tuesday, August 16.  It was the closest appointment they could give me.  It will be four weeks since my last doctor appointment by the time it comes up.  They tell me the first appointment is just an intake session.  It will last about 90 minutes.  I was also told to be prepared to wait a while in the waiting room, because appointments run over a lot.  Wonderful!  Just push the gun closer.  I feel like crap all the time and can barely get energy to get out of bed, and now I get to sit all day waiting for an assessment before a doctor can be assigned to me.  I wonder how long after that before I get an appointment to actual be a patient for a doctor.  My cancer is exceedingly rare and my last oncologist said I need to get surgery to remove what is left of the tumor.  But the only qualified surgeons for that type of intensive surgery are in California at UCLA.  It's extremely doubtful, highly unlikely, mostly improbable that Nevada will pay for me to go out of state for surgery.  The surgeons here are not experienced in this type of soft tissue surgery, so I more than likely will not be able to have the surgery.  That means I just wait until the cancer begins to spread again, or the tumor starts to grow again, and then that's it.

I can't write anymore.  I'm going to try to sleep.  Another problem I've been experiencing lately has been insomnia.  I lay in bed for days on end and just cannot sleep.  I'm getting about three hours of sleep per two to three days.  I just lay there and worry and worry about how to take care of everything for my husband and baby.  I get calls from a counsellor for suicide prevention, but all she can offer is "Stop worrying and take care of yourself first."  That's easy to say and hard to do.  She tells me to use my support system of family and friends.  She is useless.  I have no friends.  Just prior to my diagnosis, we moved away from my friends in order to provide care for my mother who was dying and my father who has dementia.  My family all lives out of state and out of town, to far away to help.  Everything ends up on my husband's shoulders as he takes care of the baby and my father and the household chores and cleaning - all alone, and tries to job hunt on the side.  It's just such a losing battle.  Every day is so hard.  We have nothing to look forward to except time with the baby.  That's been enough to keep me going, but I am just so, so tired and depressed.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

THE GOOD:  Commodities - We picked up commodities today.  Commodities are additional government surplus foods.  Most anyone with middle-to-poverty income levels qualify.  Each person in the household with a legal ID gets a box of food.  We qualify for four boxes.  You are permitted to pick boxes at a drive-thru every other month.  Each month has different food.  This month’s boxes had lots a cans of apple sauce, some diced tomatoes, several bags of macaroni noodles, one bag of split peas and two pint cartons of pre-made mushroom soup.  WIC – We also qualified for WIC due to the baby’s asthma and undiagnosed seizures.  That’s several gallons of milk, one loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, two boxes of cereal, some fruit, peanut butter, and juice.  That helps a lot for the baby.  County Health Card – My husband and I both qualified for a County Health Card – which is both good in some ways (prescriptions) and bad in others (horrible health care and long, long waits in over crowded rooms).  Plus, I was told by my doctor that the County Hospital does not have to give me the rest of the chemo treatments unless the cancer is actively spreading.  Doctor’s Report – My cancer is currently in remission.  This means it is not actively spreading.  This means if I can get the last three months of chemo that the doctor recommended, then I could possibly stay in remission for six months to a year, with a great deal of luck, maybe a bit longer.  He explained carefully that this does not by any means say that I am cured or will be cured.  That is not going to happen.  My cancer stage has no cure, only remission and further treatments.  But my chances for lasting a little longer than the original diagnosis are better.  I have better than a 50% chance of making it a year.  I have about a 35% chance of lasting 1-2 years, about of 17% chance of lasting 2-3 years, and a 5% chance of lasting 5 years.  The doctor said he does not know anyone with as big a tumor as mine that lived past 5 years, in fact 3 years was rare.  Also, getting to the 5 year mark means I would have to also submit to the surgery, but in my case there is a very high chance of perforation and infection if I get the surgery, and only a small chance that I would survive long after the surgery, due to the fact they would have to remove my entire esophagus.  So, if I can get the rest of the chemotherapy that is recommended, I have a good shot at 2-3 years at the outside.  With less than good health care, my time could be even shorter.  But I am so happy about this little remission reprieve that I just can’t let the other stuff bother me right now.  I want to dance.  I want to super-thank everyone who has been helping me through this, especially Donna fro Illinois who supplied us with diapers, Natalia from overseas, and Allie for the head scarf.  That wig has been awfully hot, but the scarf cools me.  Thanks to everyone, including my dear friend Elaine near Florida.

THE BAD:  Feeding Tube – I’ve been lucky so far.  I’ve been able to eat because they burned away some of the tumor.  Since the tumor shrank, I have not experienced the trouble swallowing food or drinking liquids.  But I have been warned that the tumor will grow back and when that happens they will not melt it away again.  I will need a feeding tube then.  I have a very strong pain threshold from years of neuropathy, which is a blessing and not at various times.  I think that strong pain threshold caused me to not notice the tumor soon enough which is bad, but it has also minimized my awareness of the pain.  Medical Bills – The medical bills are pouring in.  Thankfully, we were covered by the insurance through most of it, which only left us with a $2,000 deductible.  But $2,000 seems like a million dollars to us right now.  Other small bills are filtering in from various blood labs, consulting specialists, lab technicians, and radiologists.  They added up to a little over $1500.  I just add it to the list.  Of course, they are starting to call every day as well, because most of this went to collection a month ago.  Van – Our 2004 van is beginning to need some repairs.  It needs a diagnostic for the transmission ($113.00) plus possible transmission repairs (the warning light came on).  It also needs the power steering fluid and brake fluid changed (about $200).  I never knew fluid changes would cost so much and the transmission light worries me.  We are trying to save up for the diagnostic.  This is our only transportation.  When it rains it pours.

THE UGLY:  Haters – The internet has haters and naysayers galore.  One stupid ass keeps posting unkind and downright ugly comments to my blog (deleted by me right away, of course), all while addressing me by the wrong name.  Since he obviously reads the blog, it shows how stupid he is that he can’t figure out he has the wrong person, and how much of an ass he is because he does not know a thing about this type of cancer.  It seems he just wants to be an ass to someone, and thinks I’m that person he keeps addressing (wrongly).  If there are some good computer hackers out there who might want to help me, maybe you could send this hatemonger a virus for me.  He deserves a big pile of crap on his head, but I’d be content to just know who he is so I could report him to his server and get him blocked.

No Hope for Medical Care! Depressed to Suicidal Thoughts Again!

I’ve pretty much exhausted all avenues for medical assistance.  The Financial Advisor sends me to Clark County Social Services.  The Clark County Social Services sends me to Welfare.  Welfare tells me I am not eligible for Medicaid because I am not eligible for Social Security Income.  Welfare sends me back to Clark County Social Services.  After days and many hours of running back and forth, standing and sitting in line, while puking into an emesis bag – all I gained was $61 in food stamps.  If Clark County is able to approve me for a County Medical Card, which is a long shot, then I can obtain some cancer treatment at the local Kevorkian hospital - UMC.  This is where they make you wait in the waiting room for ten hours or more, and then evaluate you and let you wait more hours, and then slap you in a bed overnight, ignore all your button pushing for a nurse or treatment, and then kick you to the street after they have done nothing except let an on-call intern look you over and release you.  I know, because I’ve been there with my mother while she was dying.  UMC drugged her out of her head and then released her to the street, while I was at home gathering some overnight clothes for her.  After several trips to both UMC and Valley Hospital, it was not long until she died.  I guess that’s what I have to look forward to.  After being promised by Comprehensive Cancer Center that they would not refuse treatment even when I had no ability to pay, I am so depressed and sickened by all the lies.  I called today to tell them where I was at with all the applications for medical care payments, and they told me I would probably end up using UMC on the County Card.   I cried.  I don’t want to change doctors.  I don’t want to go to a hospital where I will receive only “palliative care.”  Palliative means they will give me minimal care to make me comfortable while I die.  That means they will drug me out of my head and send me back to the street.  I hate my life.  Cashing in is looking so good right now.  The counselor keeps asking me if I “have a plan.”  This means have I made a distinct plan for suicide.  Of course, I have.  I have terminal cancer.  I believe anyone with a terminal disease has a plan.  If our brain is not completely gone, of course we have a plan.  DUH!  You know what pushes you closer to suicide in a circumstance like mine?  It’s the damn doctors, financial advisors, and county aid offices that offer you a glimmer of hope then slap you in the face with “No, no, no.”  Why don’t they just say, “Here, let us torment until you die, or at the very least, let us push that gun a little closer for you.”  The Cancer Center was so nice while I was on insurance and they were milking my insurance company for all that money – but now, they don’t give a crap.  If I have no money, they are anxious to push me out the door and get rid of my burden on society.  Well, they didn’t need to push me.  I was more than willing to jump off that ledge when all else fails.  But they tormented me in order to milk the last of the insurance.  I hate them and I hate life!  What happened to being able to die with dignity?

Help Me Gain More Visibility?

If you can, please help me give my blog more visibility.  You can do this by clicking the BlogRollCenter Journal Box, and Blog Top List "Vote for Me" Box, and/or joining my Twitter link.  All three of these can be found on the right side column just below the grass line.  It would really be appreciated.  If you come across link exchanges or free link backs or free directories, please submit my link there, too, if you can.  The link is http://dying-wishes.blogspot.com/  Thanks.  Every little bit, every little action, helps me connect with more people who may be able to give me ideas or solutions I have not guessed yet.

Gas Rewards Card – Can you help?

Gas Rewards Card – Can you help?

I am still trying to survive.  I found a Kellogg’s Gas Reward Card offer online.  If I collect enough Kellogg UPCs from the cereals listed below, I can receive $10 gas cards.  It takes 10 UPCs per card and I can order up to five (5) cards total to my home address and another five (5) cards total to my Post Office Box.  I will need fifty (50) UPCs for five cards.  But I can send away for one with each 10 UPCs I receive.  This offer expires 1/07/2012.  Keep sending them in and my friends said I could use their addresses, too.  Then gas for appointments and job hunting won’t be a problem.  Please, if you have it in your heart, send me UPCs from the following cereals:

Kellogg’s All-Bran Original

Kellogg’s All-Bran Bran Buds cereal

Kellogg’s All-Bran Complete Wheat Flakes cereal

Kellogg’s Smart Start Strong Heart Antioxidant cereal

Kellogg’s Smart Start Strong Heart Toasted Oat cereal

Kellogg’s Corn Flakes cereal

Kellogg’s Corn Flakes Touch of Honey cereal

Kellogg’s Raisin Bran cereal

Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Crunch cereal

Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra cereal

Kellogg’s Crispix cereal

Kellogg’s Product 19 cereal

Kellogg’s Mueslix cereal

Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran cereal

Kellogg’s Lowfat Granola with Raisins cereal

Kellogg’s Lowfat Granola Original cereal

Kellogg’s Fruit Harvest Strawberry/Blueberry cereal

Kellogg’s Rice Krispies cereal

Send the UPCs to Elaine Swe,

P.O. Box 363323, North Las Vegas, Nevada 89036

.

No Welfare, No Medical, No Help

Partially good news which actually led to bad news for me – my husband had his unemployment reinstated, based on that part-time job he had in January.  We will get $150 a week.  That almost covers the car payment, utilities and groceries.  We also qualified for a free cell phone for medical purposes. My husband can hand out flyers a couple times a week for the rest.  The bad part is, in Nevada, ANY income at all disqualifies me from health or medical support.  If I’m homeless, living on the street or in a shelter, then I can qualify.  Can you imagine being homeless in 110 degree heat with cancer?  Or sitting inside the cooling stations with cancer?  A cooling station is a library or community center where chairs and tables and free bottled water are available in an air conditioned room.  However, they are only available during the day time, and lying down or sleeping is not allowed.  You get to sit in a metal folding chair.  That’s just great for multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and cancer.  You sit on a hard metal chair and hurt for hours.  Luckily, I have a roof over my head even if it does not include air conditioning.  I live in a mortgage clear home owned by my father.  All we have to pay is utilities, while he pays maintenance, taxes, and insurance.  Thankfully, his social security covers his basic expenses and he had Medicare for health.  But he also is 80-years old, had a quadruple bypass, has dementia which worsens daily, and has a bad mitral heart valve.   When dad passes, we lose the income that covers the other basics of the house and will probably lose the house.

After putting together mounds of paperwork, over and over again, and submitting them to the County, State, local welfare offices, and financial advisor - and sitting for hours on end in every local welfare office - I am denied repeatedly and then referred back once again to offices I've already visited.  It's like the great shell game.  There are three nuts being scrambled and one has a marble under it.  If I'm lucky enough to get the marble, I get the prize.  But instead Nut #3, the actual prize, keeps referring me back to Nut #1 and Nut #2, which hold nothing except things to make you go nuts.

It's not nice to tease someone.  I've taught all my children and grandbabies that.  Teasing is not nice!  But that's what these offices do to me.  They tease me by telling me there is help out there.  All I have to do is fill out several mountains of paperwork and then stand in line, and then sit for hours, and then complete an interview.  You don't get your answer right then.  That's just the fish hook they dangle in front of you while they tell you that you are probably eligible.  Once you've done all that, they will not tell you the results.  Instead they tell you your answer will come in the mail.  I got the answers!  Denied!  Denied!  Denied!  Doctors are as ignorant about this as everyone else.  When I told my doctor I was denied for everything except $61 in food stamps for the baby, he said, "I thought terminal cancer was a given.  You have cancer, then you get medical benefits."

Here's how the scam to keep you hopeful works:  The actual truth of the matter is, the first person they send you to is the Financial Officer.  When she finds out your greatest desire is to just check out (suicide) so you don't leave your family struggling to survive while you are draining their every resource - she tells you, "Don't you worry about it.  Even if you have no ability to pay at all, we will not deny you treatment.  Plus we will help you find the money you need to survive."  Well, that's partially true, but not the whole truth.  They prevent suicide by running you "literally" to death with the tease of welfare assistance.  If you go do everything they tell you while you are as sick as I am, and you keep going back over and over again, until they have exhausted you to complete bed rest - then they can just wait for you to die on your own, too weak to accomplish it through suicide, and then they cannot be blamed.  I'm on to their game now.  And yes, they will continue to treat you, but that comes with a price, too - a literal price.  They continue to add up all the money you owe, over $125,000 monthly for me with an outstanding bill of over $250,000, and tell you, your significant other can come in and sign a very reasonable payment plan of several hundred a month (for the rest of his life).  Well, of course this is reasonable *sarcasm intended* they explain: because they did provide treatment and because you are thankful for that and because you are a responsible person who wants to pay their bills, so you shouldn’t have a problem making a commitment to this bill that will last for so many years it’s hardly conceivable.  My husband can just pay it out of his meager unemployment and then go live on the street with the baby after I’m gone.  This is the crap that stresses me out the most and makes me suicidal.  If they had a brain cell in their head, they would know this.  Or maybe they do and just don’t care. After all, they are not people living off unemployment, too lazy to go get a job.  They have a job!  And if they have one, why don’t you?

One agency worker actually had the nerve to tell me that if I could wait in line for four hours for my initial interview, then I could constructively use that time to find a job.  DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?!  I stood and sat and moved through the line with my walker and puke bag.  I was so sick, and all these interview requirements and outings just made me sicker.  It took me two full months to complete all the paperwork and attend in-person interviews at these agencies because I was so sick.  It took me days on end to get all the paperwork together and get it copied, and I had to space out interviews because each one made me sicker and weaker.  My walker is the type with four wheels and seat in the middle.  I sit down between each time the line moves.  Movement makes me sicker, so I puke repeatedly into my medical puke bag – mostly dry heaves, thankfully.  I guess it’s a blessing that handicapped get a separate line.  But that line does not differentiate between handicaps, we are all equal.  And each personal interview can take up to half an hour or longer.  So, if there are six people ahead of you, that’s about a two hour wait.  There are usually 15 to 50 people in line.  I can get a better, closer to the front spot in line by showing up two hours early and standing in line outside the building waiting for it to open.  * just push the gun closer*

But you know what?  The agency worker is partially right.  Why waste my time and tiny bit of energies standing, sitting and puking in line for denials of help!  I can use that time to beg for crappy, pay by the day jobs, and then lose the jobs due to my health.  Or I can pass out flyers like my husband does, until I pass out?   Or I can stand on the street and beg for handouts until I pass out and the ambulance comes?  Hey, at least I make a few bucks for my family before I kill myself further, and then the charity hospital has to try to recoup my minimal health for a few more days or hasten my death so they don’t have to deal with me.  I call that a win-win situation!  You’ve heard of “suicide by cop?”  Well this is “suicide by hospital.”  I just let myself end up in the incompetent, no caring, charity hospitals that needs to get rid of the indigents who are costing them too much.

That’s what I am now – an indigent!  I can’t pay for health care.  They cannot turn me away when I need emergency care, but they don’t have to provide any real type of medical care, either.  They can just give me fluids and put me back on the street.  According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, “Poor patients have a greater number of negative outcomes than patients of higher socioeconomic status. Indigent patients have shorter hospital stays than patients with private insurance, and they are less likely to undergo high-cost procedures when hospitalized. ^​ Circumstances such as unemployment, homelessness, or lack of means to pay for basic needs may lead clinicians to form negative judgments about patients' social worth and may also reduce patients' chances of benefiting from certain kinds of treatment.”  (Full article http://jama.ama-assn.org/content/291/1/121.full)

This goes back to my doctors’ office.  Neither the doctors nor the nurses can understand my lack of ability to go to appointments several times a week, or even once a week.  They do not understand my inability to pay for the gas to get there (90 minutes round trip), or babysitters when my husband has a job interview that coincides with a treatment, or my husband using two days a week to drop off resumes which uses up our fuel for the week.  How can someone who makes $250,000 a year understand living on $150 a week or nothing at all?

What are we going to do?  I’m completely lost now!

Job Possibility? PLEASE PRAY!

PLEASE PRAY!  Please pray for my husband.  We received a call for a job interview.  Please pray, we need this to be a personal interview and not a group interview.  Nevada casinos and restaurants have a habit of doing group interviews now with 15-50 people sitting in one session being asked just a few questions by a couple of interviewers.  These first group interviews are usually followed by a second smaller group interviews of 2-4 people, with whichever person dazzling the interviewer the most, receiving a last interview with the kitchen or restauarant manager.  My husband has been disappointed four times with these group interviews, making it all the way to the second interviews only to be inched out by some young lady that looked more qualified for Hooters than a nice restaurant.  Nevada has a new policy at casinos of hiring only the young and beautiful women who look good in bikinis or young pretty men who are muscular for pool and night club parties, and good-tipping restaurants.  Please pray they hire my husband and offer full time and not part time.  I (we) desperately need the insurance coverage and part-time cannot receive it.  The interview is Tuesday at 2pm.  PLEASE PRAY.  We are so very desperate!

1930 Drought, Depression, Tobacco Road Returns – Thanks to Government Thieving

Did you see the World News this week?  It’s the most depressing yet.  What will become of my family when I am gone?  Am I leaving them to suffer one of the worst times in history?  See my personal update and comments at the end of this post.

Unemployment:  The Ford Company in Lewisville, Kentucky, announced it was reopening.  The good news: it has 1,800 jobs to offer.  The bad news: 17,000 people showed up hoping for a chance to support their families.  Whole families showed up hoping at least one of them might secure a job to help the rest.  So many people showed up that there was no way Ford could look over and read all those resumes and interview all those people.  So Ford is having a lottery to see who gets interviews.  How fucking sad is that?  And Kentucky’s unemployment rate is only a little more than 10%.   Here in Nevada it is over 14%.  In fact the news said you could add another 25% to that 14% (making it closer to 40%, almost half of the population in Nevada) to cover those who no longer receive unemployment because they have exhausted their draw, and those who took very low paying jobs, minimum wage and below, just to provide food and bare necessities for their families, and the homeless (which is a much greater number now).  How can someone with a job look down on us with those figures?  How can they say the jobs are out there, just stop being picky and take anything?  Believe me, we are taking anything.  My husband applies to every opening from janitor to handing out flyers to holding signs and spinning them on the highway for pizza places.  These jobs receive dozens upon dozens of applicants.

Drought:  Add to all this, the news talked about the huge drought across the United States and especially over most of Texas.  Last month it rained a flood, but that was only for a few days.  It did not help them recover from this year long drought.  The dryness from the drought contributed to the flooding when the water could not soak into the hard ground fast enough and them it became over saturated.  Now, the crops have all dried up.  Corn has dried and withered on the stocks, thousands of acres of it.  The drought has also killed the cotton crops, grain sorghum, rice and wheat … and cattle production.  The drought caused the acres of grass land used for cattle feed to burn.  The cattle are starving.  This means much higher food prices for the already starving unemployed.  Due to this drought across the lowed United States, Florida is losing $100 million sugar cane crop.  They also fear the drought will cause huge losses in Florida orange production.

Flooding:  In other states, like Louisiana, flooding has damaged crops beyond any repair, including corn, cotton, soybean, sugar cane, and hay for cattle.

What put us here?  Thieving and scamming by corporations, banks, mortgage companies, Wall Street, speculators, rich con men, and government agencies.  Now add drought to this.  All of which caused the loss of our homes and jobs, which led to Poverty thorugh Excessive Unemployment. These things go hand in hand when causing great economic upheaval.  The poor get poorer and poorer, many die and just fade away, and the rich go on like nothing has happened.  It’s called, “Screw the rules.  I have money!”  To them, it is thinning the herd of lowlifes that suck their tits dry.  And if anyone thinks these last statements are not true, just look up Bernie Madoff, Goldman Sacs, Warren Buffet, Henry “Hank” Paulson and read these links:  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_the_financial_crisis_of_2007-2010

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subprime_mortgage_crisis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dust_Bowl

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_largest_U.S._bank_failures

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Financial_crisis_of_2007%E2%80%932010

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008%E2%80%932011_bank_failures_in_the_United_States

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_entities_involved_in_2007%E2%80%932008_financial_crises

http://www.fireandreamitchell.com/chris-dodd-countrywide-scandal-mortgage-fraud-and-aig-bonus-scandal/

National mortgage fraud scandal spreads to the judiciary  : Posted on June 19, 2011 by Neil Garfield

http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Corporate_Welfare/TakeRichOffWelfare.html

http://www.angelfire.com/co/prophetjonas/richpoor.html

What the rich say about middle and lower class people!  The rich rape the middle and lower classes in an ongoing daily ritual.  They are tired of sharing their gourmet restaurants, nice cars, exclusive clubs and entertainment with us.  How dare we sit next them in a restaurant and pretend we deserve the same lovely service and good food they eat nightly, even though it was just once a year or a couple times a year for us?  How dare we drive a reliable vehicle like a Honda Accord or Odyssey Van when we should settle for the cheapest Kia?  How dare we attend Vegas shows and entertainment and save for that once-in-a-lifetime front row seats or a nice vacation?  They also say, “Cut off the unemployment and they will get off their lazy asses and go get a job.”  It doesn’t matter that there are no jobs to be had.  They also say, “If they are too cheap to pay for health insurance or medical treatments then they don’t deserve it.”  Just check out Obama’s Health Plan for the poor.  The poor will have to pay premiums in excess of $300 a month plus co-pays and deuctibles.  If the poor could afford it – they would already have it!  That amount is more than 25%-50% of a month’s income for many people.  But now that they’ve stolen our homes maybe we can afford it.  We get health insurance, but have to live on the streets.  Hell, the homeless get free health care – why should we pay for health insurance while homeless?

Which Class are we now?  Sadly, most of us do not even qualify for middle class.  My own income has dropped from lower middle class to poverty level.  What do the levels mean? Middle Class means we get by, live paycheck to paycheck, have a mortgage and maybe a little bit in a savings account for emergencies.  We might make $25,000 to $35,000 a year.  But we are on budgets, and have to save up for a vacation, new television, or new furniture.  These things are items we get maybe once every three to five years.  And maybe we also have cable.  We drive cars in the price range of $10,000 to $15,000.  If we were injured and missed a little work, it would be a struggle to get back to normal and catch up.  Upper Middle Class means you take vacations a lot more often, maybe several times a year.  You drive a $30,000 to $40,000 car.  You have a nice house with more than two bathrooms.  You probably earn around $90,000 to $250,000 a year.  You do not live paycheck to paycheck.  You could take a week or two off for vacation and not worry about the effect on your budgets.  Upper Class means you own a business or corporation and others work to support your lifestyle.  You do not work, but simply oversee operations from time to time.  Your income and business is probably managed by an accountant or firm.  Your children attend the most expensive private schools and college is a given not a luxury or expensive debt.  You make $500,000 to millions or more a year.  You do not have to save up or trade off necessities for luxuries. 

You see, the Middle Class or Lower Class, we might save up and eat in the same restaurant as an Upper Middle Class or Upper Class person, but we had to sacrifice something to do it.  It was more than likely a special once-a-year occasion just to have something extra nice for a change.  We had to make a choice between our average life sustenance and a vacation, or trade off that once-every-three-years vacation to do repairs on our car.    We usually have to sacrifice something to get a special day or treat while upper class people don't have to sacrifice anything to get the nice things they have.  But now, we have nothing left to sacrifice.  Food and housing are our luxuries and we are sacrificing everything to have them for our kids.  And soon – I see that getting even worse.  I see us living in a repeat of the 1930s Dust Bowl Depression.  And I wonder of we can make it through ten years of government ration stamps and watching our old people and children whither up and die.

(All figures from the Census Bureau, unless otherwise stated.)

The Rich:
– The richest 20 percent of Americans get 50.3 percent of the country's income.
– The portion of wealth for the rich has consistently gone up: In 1999, that figure was 49.4 percent. In 1989, it was 46.2 percent. In 1979, it was 44.2 percent.
– You are in the richest 20 percent, by the way, if those in your household make over $100,000.
– The number of millionaires in America went up 8 percent in 2010, according to the Spectrem Group, to approximately 8.4 million millionaires. That figure also jumped up 16 percent in 2009, following a drop in 2008.

The Poor:
– The poorest 20 percent of Americans get 3.4 percent of the country's income.
– The portion of wealth for the poor has consistently declined: In 1999, the number was 3.6 percent. In 1989, it was 3.8 percent. In 1979, it was 4.1 percent.
– You are in the poorest 20 percent if you make less than $20,453 in your household.
– Some 43.6 million Americans live in poverty. That is the record high for the 51 years the U.S. has recorded poverty data.
– The number of Americans in poverty jumped 9.5 percent in 2009 alone (the most recent year for which we have data).
– Overall, 14.3 percent of Americans live in poverty.
– You are in poverty, if you have a family of four and total income is under $22,314. For an individual, the poverty line is $11,136.

Disparity on the Rise
– By one key measure, income disparity in the U.S. has increased 40 percent in the past 30 years.
– Our measure: The Gini Index. A Gini Index of "0" means perfect equality in income. An index of "1" means total inequality, so one person has all the income.
– US now: 0.469. (2009 data, the most recent available)
– US in 1998: 0.393
– US in 1989: 0.362
– U.S. in 1979: 0.335

For the full article below from the Economic Collapse, go to:  http://theeconomiccollapseblog.com/archives/rich-vs-poor-14-funny-statistics-and-14-not-so-funny-statistics-about-this-economic-recovery

In any event, hopefully you will find the following statistics informative or at least entertaining.  The wealthy are most definitely enjoying an "economic recovery" while most of the rest of us are still really struggling....

Funny - Who said that the titans of Wall Street couldn't look hot?  According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, facelifts for men jumped 14 percent last year.

Not Funny - According to the U.S. Labor Department, unemployment actually increased in 351 of the 372 largest U.S. cities during the month of January.

Funny - The average bonus for a worker on Wall Street in 2010 was only $128,530.  It appears that more Wall Street bailouts may be needed.

Not Funny - During this most recent economic downturn, employee compensation in the United States has been the lowest that it has been relative to gross domestic product in over 50 years.

Funny - According to DataQuick Information Systems, the sale of million dollars homes rose an average of 18.6 percent in the top 20 major metro areas in the U.S. in 2010.  But is spending a million dollars on one house really worth it?  After all, over the past several years there have been times when you could buy a house in some bad areas of Detroit for just one dollar.

Not Funny - In 2010, for the first time ever more than a million U.S. families lost their homes to foreclosure, and that number is expected to go even higher in 2011.

Funny - According to Moody's Analytics, the wealthiest 5% of households in the United States now account for approximately 37% of all consumer spending.  Most of the rest of us don't have much discretionary income to spend these days, but at least we have Justin Bieber, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars to keep us entertained.

Not Funny - According to Gallup, the U.S. unemployment rate in mid-March was 10.2%, which was virtually unchanged from the 10.3% figure that it was sitting at exactly one year ago.

Funny - According to the Wall Street Journal, sales of private jumbo jets to the ultra-wealthy are absolutely soaring.... Sales of private jumbo jets are so strong that Airbus and Boeing now have special sales forces devoted to potentates and the hyper-rich.

Not Funny - There are now over 6.4 million Americans that have given up looking for work completely.  That number has increased by about 30 percent since the economic downturn began.

Funny - Porsche recently reported that sales increased by 29 percent during 2010.  Even Porsche jokes are coming back into style....

Question: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

Answer: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Not Funny - Approximately half of all American workers make $25,000 a year or less.  (My own comment:  2011 Poverty Level guidelines are $22,350 for a family of four.  The National Debt is more $125,000 per person, which is five times the amount made yearly by 50% of the population.  The Nevada unemployment average earnings are $16,900 a year with many Nevadans unemployed going on two years or longer and completely exhausting their benefits, well below poverty level.)

Funny - Cadillac recently reported that sales increased by 36 percent during 2010.

Not Funny - According to the U.S. Energy Department, the average U.S. household will spend approximately $700 more on gasoline in 2011 than it did during 2010.

Funny - Rolls-Royce recently reported that sales increased by 171 percent during 2010.

Not Funny - According to a new study by America's Research Group, approximately 75 percent of all Americans are doing less shopping because of rising gasoline prices.

Funny - According to the New York Post, Barack Obama enjoyed a total of 10 separate vacations that stretched over a total of 90 vacation days during the years of 2009 and 2010.  Apparently Barack Obama was not talking about himself when he told the American people the following.... "If you’re a family trying to cut back, you might skip going out to dinner, or you might put off a vacation."  (My own comment:  If I could afford to go out to dinner or take a vacation maybe things would be okay, but those of us who were pushed into the poverty level by the thieving government cannot afford groceries or gas for job hunting let alone restaurants and vacations.  It just shows how out of touch rich people are!) 

Not Funny - When 2007 began, 26 million Americans were on food stamps.  Today, an all-time record 44 million Americans are on food stamps.

Funny - Ralph Lauren reported a 24 percent increase in revenue in the fourth quarter of 2010.  It is good to know that preppies are thriving in this economy.

Not Funny - The Ivex Packaging Paper plant in Joliet, Illinois is shutting down for good after 97 years in business.  79 good jobs will be lost.  Meanwhile, China has become the number one producer of paper products in the entire world.

Funny - Luxury jewelry retailer Tiffany & Co. recently announced that their profits increased by 29 percent in the 4th quarter of 2010.  All of the men that did not buy their women jewelry during the holidays are trying to keep this particular news item from getting passed around.

Not Funny - Average household debt in the United States has now reached a level of 136% of average household income.

Funny - In 2009, only 18,288 vehicles with a price tag of $100,000 or more were sold in the United States.  In 2010, 32,144 such vehicles were sold.  It appears that "showing off for chicks" is now very much back in style.

Not Funny - The U.S. economy now has 10 percent fewer "middle class jobs" than it did just ten years ago.

Funny - Porsche has announced that they will soon be taking orders for their first hybrid sports car, the 918 Spyder.  The price tag on one of these puppies will only be $845,000.

Not Funny - The average CEO now makes approximately 185 times more money than the average American worker.

Funny - Barack Obama recently played only his 61st round of golf since moving into the White House.  Many are now concerned that Obama is simply not getting enough free time.

Not Funny - According to one recent study, 21 percent of all children in the United States were living below the poverty line during 2010.

NOT FUNNY

I am living in poverty for the first time in my life.  I have esophageal cancer.  I’ve been given about six more months to live.  I am diabetic and no longer take my insulin, because I cannot afford it.  My blood sugar has been running 400-500.  I experienced the loss of my mother just last year.  I provide care for my 80-year-old father who has dementia.  My father’s doctor says he may have less than a year to live due to a faulty heart valve that is now causing him to swell.  Prior to the recession, my credit rating was over 800, in the excellent range.  Prior to the recession, I never missed a mortgage, car or credit payment in my life.  Now, my home of 15 years was foreclosed.  I cannot pay any bills, and I am considered a deadbeat with a credit rating of 450.  I have always had medical insurance, until last month.  Now at the most important point in my life, I have absolutely no insurance and no income, and had to stop medical treatment of my cancer due to this.  My husband is extremely depressed.  I do not want to leave him with a mountain of monthly medical bills after I die.  I do not want him forced to continue mourning for me month after month when these bills come in and bill collectors are calling to remind him that I died and he still has to pay for it.  In addition to this:  My first son feels like a failure because he cannot find a job and talks about suicide.  My daughter-in-law has attempted suicide twice due to their depressing living situation.  Their children live with me and another relative because they cannot afford to take care of them and are homeless at times.  My Marine son feels inadequate because he does not earn enough money yet to provide for my health even though he helps with utilities when he can.  I hate it that I have to choose between gas for job hunting, diapers for the baby, prescriptions or healthy foods.  I hate it that we have to pay for the thieving of government and rich corporations which looks like it was carefully planned and concealed until it was too late for us to stop.  They are the reason I no longer have income or health insurance.  They are the reason all this has happened.

REALLY NOT FUNNY!
People condemn me for feeling suicidal, and for thinking my death would be advantageous to my family.  What would you do in my place?  My being here is a burden financially that will soon send my family into poverty to the point of being homeless.  I can’t be part of that.  I have medical bills of over $200,000 for just two months of treatment.  I’m supposed to endure four more months.  My radiologist does not understand why I quit with only five treatments left and still had insurance.  He could not comprehend that I could no longer pay for gas for the hour-long round-trip drive to his office (sometimes 2-3 hours if I’m caught in rush hour because their radiation machine is broke down) or a babysitter while I am gone for three hours (sometimes 3-5 hours when the machine breaks down).  The nurse said, “Just have your husband watch the baby like you did before.”  She couldn’t comprehend it when I said, he needs the gas to job hunt and needs the car for interviews and to place resumes in-person.  That happens during specific hours only and we have to abide by them.  Plus I am too sick to ride in free transportation which doubles the time to and from, as well the babysitter charges, because they have to pick up several people at a time. 

BUT I AM STILL TRYING
Despite all that, I am still trying.  I applied for Medicaid for myself and the baby.  The baby has received his temporarily and I am still submitting paperwork for mine, but have been told I may not qualify.  Nevada is the hardest state to qualify in if you are an adult.  Now Medicaid has served me with papers to sue my son for child support, saying they can attach his unemployment for it, which I fear will push him and his wife to suicide.  My son only draws $150 a week, and they barely survive on that, living in foreclosed homes until they are evicted by the Sheriff.  Child Support Division would get $150 a month from them (or 25%), which goes directly to Welfare for the baby’s health card.  So, the benefits of that money are zero for me and terrible instability for them.  How can this be right?  I am going to reapply for WIC this week.  Again, Nevada is terrible when it comes to using WIC.  The baby was on it for three months over a year ago.  Every time I went to the store, I wanted to cry from frustration and embarrassment.  I would get a few WIC items and know I had the milk and fruit left.  But when I went top the store they would deny the card.  I would ask them to call the number, but they would say no and push you out of line, loudly and obnoxiously.  It happened every month.  One month the check out girl charged me for items they put back saying they were the wrong items, like the fruit and cheese.  They put the items back but charges me for them anyway, and said they could not reverse the charges once they went into the system.   Essentially they stole the money from the state.  I called the state and complained, but nothing was done.  I’m going to apply for WIC again.  I’m going to swallow my pride at the grocery store, and sit there in front of the cashier on my walker, puking into a bag, until they fix it or get it right.  I am just so tired lately, that I hate wasting time and energy on things like this.  I am also making the trip to the Commodities Food program once every other month for eight measly food items like instant milk and dry beans.  Every little bit helps.  We plan on visiting the food pantries and food kitchens as well.  I just cry and cry lately, I never thought I would be in this position.  I am also checking into Nevada Check Up for children.  Children under 18 can have health care for $25-$80 a yearly quarter with no co-pays or deductibles.  I wish I had known that before applying for Medicaid.  You cannot have it if you are eligible for or on Medicaid.  I am seriously considering lying and saying we have too much income just to get the Medicaid denied and get my baby on Nevada Check Up, so my son will not have his meager unemployment attached.  As for myself, I’ve been thinking free clinics, but I’m not sure if free clinics can treat cancer.  I’m pretty sure they cannot provide PET or MRI scans or EUS procedures, or the expensive chemo drugs.  If anyone who has cancer and is being treated through a free clinic - please let me know if they provide some of the more expensive drugs and tests?  For groceries, I spend wisely.  I use PayPal contributions to buy cases of macaroni and cheese, Ramon noodles, soup and soup mixes, and cereal (which can eaten dry or with milk).  I buy only really good sale items for which I already have a coupon.  We always buy according to things we know the baby will eat, and we just eat the same things.  Banquet spaghetti TV dinners for 88¢ are a staple for all of us and the baby’s favorite beside Mac and cheese.  My girlfriend, bless her heart, brought me a six-pack of diet-Pepsi yesterday.  I felt guilty and delighted all at the same time.  Pepsi is a guilty pleasure of mine.  I wanted to tell her that a better purchase would have been juice for the baby, but that would have been rude of me.  So, instead I told her I loved the Pepsi and would ration it to myself, but these days I digest apple juice better – hoping she would get the hint and maybe bring apple juice next time which I could give the baby.  She’s never liked children and has a hard time being around our hyper-active, seizure prone child, but she is a good person.