Mother's Day came and went. All I could think about was my own mother who died in 2010 just before Mother's Day. Maybe I'll join her by next year.
At least I've received a small reprieve. I won't die tomorrow. The surgery was as successful as it could be, but of course the cancer is still there. I survived a cancer surgery that gave me a 10% chance of survival, followed by a second surgery for a diseased gallbladder. It's taken forever to heal from both of them. Most foods still make me sick so I'm on a very limited diet. The scariest part now is experiencing symptoms I had before the surgery like hot flashes and hair loss. I had both during the two years prior to diagnosis. The symptoms went away during chemo and did not come back until just recently. Now I'm stressed again. The surgery may not have bought me the additional time I needed and wanted.
In addition to that I am tired all the time. I thought that would go away, but the doctor says cancer along with my other problems (diabetes, multiple sclerosis and fibromyalgia - which have all advanced) causes the fatigue. I sleep a lot, just too tired to get out of bed. There are many things I want to do and go to, but I'm just too tired. My family is okay with it. They'd rather have me here with them as a bed-ridden companion, than gone. I don't agree with them. If I going to be this tired all the time, maybe I don't want to live much longer. I also thought the suicidal thoughts would leave me once I got a life extension. But this isn't any real quality of life. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I shouldn't feel that way, but the doctors say it's normal. Normal for who? Not me. I loved life and never experienced depression before. This just sucks.
When I can get awake for a little time, I spend it taking care of my father who has become steadily worse. He wanders the house, putting on ten pair of underwear because he thinks he leaks. "Thinks" is the key word, he does not leak. He changes clothes four times a day which creates a huge pile of laundry for me. He'll only wear jeans and western long sleeve shirts. Four days is 16 pair of jeans and 16 shirts. That's three loads of laundry in addition the household laundry which is another three loads for four people.
No jobs on the horizon and my husband is on his last tier of unemployment. I don't know what we will do when it is all gone. It ends in July. We are up to 400 job applications and the last 100 didn't even get an interview. Most of the job applications just want your resume and if you are lucky you get a "will call." We didn't receive one call back. And it's not my husband's fault. He has taken resume and interview classes, and keeps a very nice set of clothes for interviews. He applies for absolutely everything including janitorial and dishwasher positions. We are desperate for work. Despite that, I stress about him going back to work. Well I be able to care for the baby and my father in my current condition. I have no choice if he works. We are trying to gear up for that.
In addition to this, my son, the Marine, is now stationed in Afghanistan. For seven long mommy months I won't be able to see him. He knows how that effects me. Due the area he is in and high security, he can only contact me via high security group phones and internet. He writes me a few lines each day, and calls once a week. All the guys on the base share a couple of phones and computer access. Sometimes he has to wait until everyone has bunkered down for the night just to get access, but bless his heart, he tries. I miss him terribly.
I want to thank all of you for supporting me through this. I believe I never would have made it if it had not been for my readers and their comments and emails to me. The therapy of being able to connect with others and write what is on my mind has been so helpful. Please stick with me. My battle is not over yet, it has just taken a pause. I need the pause to care for my dying father. My life is not my own at the moment.
THANK YOU!
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