My husband went to the interview for the job. The interviewer said he really liked him and was pleased with his answers to the questions and his experience. He said he going to have the restaurant manager call him in for a second interview the following week. No one called. My husband checked back in with them and was told the position had been filled. This seems to be the standard lately. If we do get an interview, we do not get a call back. Later when we check out the place, we usually see a bunch of young girls working it.
I'm really fighting the depression. I am thankful for those of you that have helped during this awful time in my life. If it were not for you, I would not be here. I feel an obligation to hold on because the few of you who helped made such a wonderful gesture to me. You helped a stranger for no reason other than you wanted to. So, I'm hanging on - for you - and for my Marine son - a few more weeks, maybe months if I'm lucky enough.
My Marine son, my baby darling, will have additional leave saved up again by October. He plans to spend it with me - and I look forward to seeing him again, so very much. All the help from my readers and followers have gotten me this far, and I'm hoping you'll get me through to October even though it seems so far away.
I have gained back a little weight which is good. Almost ten pounds. I'll need it if I plan to continue with the last three chemo treatments. I'm going to talk to the new doctors about continuing the treatments, and hope they will allow someone who is indigent to be treated with those terrible and expensive drugs. The chemo drugs are about $60,000 and the follow up shot for white cell development is another $7,000 - plus anti-nausea medications, pain meds, etc. It's about $100,000 a month. If my potassium bottoms out again, it will include hospital stays to stabilize me which cost $12,000 last time. I've been told by others on county aid that the cancer center will not give expensive treatments without insurance. If that's the case, my doctor told me the little time I managed to acquire will be lost quickly. I'll be back to just a few months to live instead of an additional six months or so. I hate to think I wasted being sick those two months for nothing.
We're so broke. I have no reason to get up and move around in the mornings, so I just stay in bed all day. It's probably why I gained back some weight. We were squeezing out a few dollars twice a month to go to the local public pool in the evenings, as an outing for the baby because it has a waterpark inside, and to cool off. We only have a swamp cooler for most of our house temperature control. We had a small a/c unit in our bedroom, but when the humidity became so high, we ran it a lot to keep the baby cool enough, and it finally quit on us. Thankfully, this week is dry heat, and even though it's 103 degrees in the daytime and 80 degrees at night, it's not too bad. The movie theaters use to allow free admission for family summer event time, but they changed it and say they are now going to charge a $1 per person. We went there a few times because it was free and because it was air conditioned. One theater has a free water park for toddlers nearby, so we'd go to the theater and then to the water park and let the baby play for a while. But we cannot afford the theater or the gas to drive there, because it's all the way across town.
We're conserving our gas for possible job interviews. My husband, bless his heart, goes out to distribute flyers in the heat. It's usually about one day a week for a couple hours, but at least it pays the gas. We had to break down and buy another used stroller at the thrift store. The one we had broke a wheel. We hated wasting the gas to look for one, but we had no choice. If I have to go to the store or anywhere while my husband is at a job interview or doing the flyers, I need a stroller because I cannot carry the baby or his supplies.
I have my first appointment with the new doctors on Tuesday, August 16. It was the closest appointment they could give me. It will be four weeks since my last doctor appointment by the time it comes up. They tell me the first appointment is just an intake session. It will last about 90 minutes. I was also told to be prepared to wait a while in the waiting room, because appointments run over a lot. Wonderful! Just push the gun closer. I feel like crap all the time and can barely get energy to get out of bed, and now I get to sit all day waiting for an assessment before a doctor can be assigned to me. I wonder how long after that before I get an appointment to actual be a patient for a doctor. My cancer is exceedingly rare and my last oncologist said I need to get surgery to remove what is left of the tumor. But the only qualified surgeons for that type of intensive surgery are in California at UCLA. It's extremely doubtful, highly unlikely, mostly improbable that Nevada will pay for me to go out of state for surgery. The surgeons here are not experienced in this type of soft tissue surgery, so I more than likely will not be able to have the surgery. That means I just wait until the cancer begins to spread again, or the tumor starts to grow again, and then that's it.
I can't write anymore. I'm going to try to sleep. Another problem I've been experiencing lately has been insomnia. I lay in bed for days on end and just cannot sleep. I'm getting about three hours of sleep per two to three days. I just lay there and worry and worry about how to take care of everything for my husband and baby. I get calls from a counsellor for suicide prevention, but all she can offer is "Stop worrying and take care of yourself first." That's easy to say and hard to do. She tells me to use my support system of family and friends. She is useless. I have no friends. Just prior to my diagnosis, we moved away from my friends in order to provide care for my mother who was dying and my father who has dementia. My family all lives out of state and out of town, to far away to help. Everything ends up on my husband's shoulders as he takes care of the baby and my father and the household chores and cleaning - all alone, and tries to job hunt on the side. It's just such a losing battle. Every day is so hard. We have nothing to look forward to except time with the baby. That's been enough to keep me going, but I am just so, so tired and depressed.
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