The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

THE GOOD:  Commodities - We picked up commodities today.  Commodities are additional government surplus foods.  Most anyone with middle-to-poverty income levels qualify.  Each person in the household with a legal ID gets a box of food.  We qualify for four boxes.  You are permitted to pick boxes at a drive-thru every other month.  Each month has different food.  This month’s boxes had lots a cans of apple sauce, some diced tomatoes, several bags of macaroni noodles, one bag of split peas and two pint cartons of pre-made mushroom soup.  WIC – We also qualified for WIC due to the baby’s asthma and undiagnosed seizures.  That’s several gallons of milk, one loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, two boxes of cereal, some fruit, peanut butter, and juice.  That helps a lot for the baby.  County Health Card – My husband and I both qualified for a County Health Card – which is both good in some ways (prescriptions) and bad in others (horrible health care and long, long waits in over crowded rooms).  Plus, I was told by my doctor that the County Hospital does not have to give me the rest of the chemo treatments unless the cancer is actively spreading.  Doctor’s Report – My cancer is currently in remission.  This means it is not actively spreading.  This means if I can get the last three months of chemo that the doctor recommended, then I could possibly stay in remission for six months to a year, with a great deal of luck, maybe a bit longer.  He explained carefully that this does not by any means say that I am cured or will be cured.  That is not going to happen.  My cancer stage has no cure, only remission and further treatments.  But my chances for lasting a little longer than the original diagnosis are better.  I have better than a 50% chance of making it a year.  I have about a 35% chance of lasting 1-2 years, about of 17% chance of lasting 2-3 years, and a 5% chance of lasting 5 years.  The doctor said he does not know anyone with as big a tumor as mine that lived past 5 years, in fact 3 years was rare.  Also, getting to the 5 year mark means I would have to also submit to the surgery, but in my case there is a very high chance of perforation and infection if I get the surgery, and only a small chance that I would survive long after the surgery, due to the fact they would have to remove my entire esophagus.  So, if I can get the rest of the chemotherapy that is recommended, I have a good shot at 2-3 years at the outside.  With less than good health care, my time could be even shorter.  But I am so happy about this little remission reprieve that I just can’t let the other stuff bother me right now.  I want to dance.  I want to super-thank everyone who has been helping me through this, especially Donna fro Illinois who supplied us with diapers, Natalia from overseas, and Allie for the head scarf.  That wig has been awfully hot, but the scarf cools me.  Thanks to everyone, including my dear friend Elaine near Florida.

THE BAD:  Feeding Tube – I’ve been lucky so far.  I’ve been able to eat because they burned away some of the tumor.  Since the tumor shrank, I have not experienced the trouble swallowing food or drinking liquids.  But I have been warned that the tumor will grow back and when that happens they will not melt it away again.  I will need a feeding tube then.  I have a very strong pain threshold from years of neuropathy, which is a blessing and not at various times.  I think that strong pain threshold caused me to not notice the tumor soon enough which is bad, but it has also minimized my awareness of the pain.  Medical Bills – The medical bills are pouring in.  Thankfully, we were covered by the insurance through most of it, which only left us with a $2,000 deductible.  But $2,000 seems like a million dollars to us right now.  Other small bills are filtering in from various blood labs, consulting specialists, lab technicians, and radiologists.  They added up to a little over $1500.  I just add it to the list.  Of course, they are starting to call every day as well, because most of this went to collection a month ago.  Van – Our 2004 van is beginning to need some repairs.  It needs a diagnostic for the transmission ($113.00) plus possible transmission repairs (the warning light came on).  It also needs the power steering fluid and brake fluid changed (about $200).  I never knew fluid changes would cost so much and the transmission light worries me.  We are trying to save up for the diagnostic.  This is our only transportation.  When it rains it pours.

THE UGLY:  Haters – The internet has haters and naysayers galore.  One stupid ass keeps posting unkind and downright ugly comments to my blog (deleted by me right away, of course), all while addressing me by the wrong name.  Since he obviously reads the blog, it shows how stupid he is that he can’t figure out he has the wrong person, and how much of an ass he is because he does not know a thing about this type of cancer.  It seems he just wants to be an ass to someone, and thinks I’m that person he keeps addressing (wrongly).  If there are some good computer hackers out there who might want to help me, maybe you could send this hatemonger a virus for me.  He deserves a big pile of crap on his head, but I’d be content to just know who he is so I could report him to his server and get him blocked.