Offers too good to refuse?

CURING YOURSELF:  When it comes to “curing” yourself and/or offers of alternative cures and treatments, they are plentiful.  And many of them help tremendously, and some provide actual cures, and some are scams.  I’ve been luck.  Most people who have contacted me online with offers to help have been sincere and truly helpful.

OFFERS SO GOOD BUT REFUSED:  There are sooo many wonderful people here on Facebook and in Internet groups worldwide.  Several members of my Facebook page offered services such as recipes for raw foods, donations of organic produce, research time to find cost-effective or free items that can help me, free massages and reiki, and more.  I have done the research.  I know organic foods, raw foods, and smoothies made from fresh fruits and vegetables can help tremendously.  I know Reiki, massages, support groups and other in-person offerings can help tremendously.  And, yet … I’ve had to turn down many of these wondrous offerings.

WHY TURN THEM DOWN?  Sometimes the offerings create an additional burden on me financially.  An offer of daily fresh vegetables, fruits and organics is wonderful.  But if I have to drive across town, daily, or even several times a week, to pick them up, then it becomes a hardship financially.  Ten miles round trip, several times a week or daily, adds up to 40 to 70 miles a week.  Make it a month, and that’s a full tank of gas at $55 a tank.  The items are being given to me free but I cannot afford to go get them at that price.  Sometimes people offer me assistance like a massage or laying on of hands or other personal activity.  The problem I encounter here is such things must be planned and set up by appointment.  I really, really want them.  I know they help.  But I have to turn them down because I never know in advance whether my day will be good or bad.  I feel bad if I cancel at the last minute because I just do not feel up to going out.  On really bad days, I wake up unable to move without great pain.  On other days, I may be on my second or third day without sleep – insomnia has been an ongoing battle lately – and I am barely functioning, cranky and so tired.  Going out for anything seems like an excessive bother.  When I cancel, the person making the offer sometimes gets upset with me.  They do not know how much I sooo appreciate the thoughtfulness and offers.  But sometimes, when I have to turn them down, people become angry with me or think I’m too lazy to help myself or criticize my money management to obtain what I desperately need or want.  That hurts me so much that I tend to forgo all offers of help now. 

I WANT OR NEED IT, BUT CANNOT HAVE IT:  I wish I could explain cancer better.  There are so many things I want and need, but cannot have, simply because I do not have the energies to comply with what it takes to get them.  On appearance I seem like anyone else.  I may even appear fairly healthy to someone meeting me for the first time.  The only ones who notice the physical differences are family members and long time friends who see the extreme weight fluctuations, and those who see the Smart Port on my upper chest and know what it is.  They also seem to be the only ones who notice that I am lackluster and have lost all my normal energy.  I wear wigs when I go out in public for my own vanity.  At home I wear a scarf Allie sent me, because it is cooler.  People may notice I wear a wig, but they do not associate it with cancer.  Maybe that’s why so many cancer victims wave their bald or shaved heads proudly.  It tends to command respect from those who are healthy.  I was unable to gather enough courage to appear in public bald.  In the past, I put on make up daily, dressed nicely wherever I went.  I energetic, volunteered for everything, and I was an organizing and budgeting fanatic.  And I loved to cook.  All these things take energy.  These are things in which my family and friends notice a big change.  My cancer days run together and all look the same.  I spend about 24-36 hours fighting insomnia.  I spend that time lying in bed, writing and posting on the computer and reading, hoping it will make me sleepy.  The medications I take cause this insomnia.  Finally, I just pass out from lack of sleep.  I sleep 12-20 hours straight through.  When I wake up, I hurt from head to toe.  It feels like my bones are rotting.  I ache from the inside out.  I take pain medications (the same ones that caused the insomnia), eat a little bit all day long.  I try to eat constantly – mostly out of fear.  I’ve convinced myself that if I continue to eat all day long I can keep the tumor passageway open – prevent it from growing shut, which will mark the end of my days.  So, I eat, I clean a little, and I try to run errands.  After about three hours of being awake, I feel so very tired.  I feel like I’ve been running and working hard for days on end – but it’s only been a couple hours.  I lie down and try to sleep again.  Sometimes I can nap for a brief time, and sometimes it starts the long insomnia bout all over again.  So, scheduling anything, even a doctor appointment, or friend’s visit, or my baby’s birthday party – is nearly impossible.  Sometimes I just bite the bullet and make my way through it.  Like yesterday – the baby’s outer family threw a birthday party for him at Chuck E. Cheese.  It only worked because they offered to pick him up if I couldn’t make it.  Most of them are from Hawaii and were visiting for a week with other family members.  I struggled out of bed and managed to go to the party.  It was a huge process for me.  I was excited to get out of the house, and excited for the baby to see distant family.  But by the time I finished dressing to go, I was exhausted.  My husband drove us to the party.  The baby had a blast, and so did his Hawaiian family members.  I was just a party pooper with a pasted on smile.  They don’t know me well, so they didn’t notice, but my husband could tell.  We sat at the very end of the table and it was all I could do to last through the two hour party.  I went out to the van twice and lay down for a bit across the seats.  So, you see how hard it is to muster up energy or manage extra financial difficulties even when the offerings are free.

BABY’S BIRTHDAY:  He’s officially three years old.  His birthday was so sweet and wonderful.  The family took so many photos to take back to his great-grandmother in Hawaii.  They bought him tons of presents – lots or toys and some winter clothes.  He sure needed the clothes.  These clothes will be the only new ones he has for winter.  Everything else comes from the thrift stores.  Thankfully, he’s too young to care or notice.  He loved everything.  His favorite presents were the Nerf guns.  He got all excited to see Chuck E. Cheese (a worker dressed up) in person.  ChuckE placed a birthday medallion around his neck and they gave him a blow up crown for his head.  He was the center of attention from about 15 people, and he was so happy he was dancing around.  I’m glad we went, even though it tired me more.  It made me feel happy and guilty all at the same time.  Before the cancer, I would have been the one planning and throwing him a big family party.  But those days are gone for me.  I’m so thankful his outer family stepped up and did this for him.  It was such a long ways for them to travel.  When he’s older, my husband plans to send him out to visit them once a year.  Is it wrong of me to wish the gifts had been all diapers, clothes and needed items rather than so many toys!  I feel guilty that we cannot provide for the baby better than we have, and that toys are a luxury now instead of just fun.