You're dying. How about a vacation to die for?

BLEAK:  Things are looking so very bleak.  It’s getting very dark in my heart and soul. 

INSOMNIA:  I have had insomnia going on 48 hours now.  I don’t know if it’s just because I am worried about the future or if it’s part of the cancer, MS and other problems, or just the fact that I’m out of sleeping pills.  The doctor wrote me a prescription for Ambien over a month ago but I ran out several days ago and cannot afford gas to get it refilled till next week.  I really want to stop taking them all together, but I find that if I don’t take them then I don’t sleep.  I usually go two or three days without sleep and then take the pills for two days in a row, and then try to go without them again.  Plus this makes them last longer.

PUT SLEEPLESS TIME TO GOOD USE:  I at least put the insomnia to good use.  My very sweet online friend Allie gave me some links for adult-make-wish-type foundations.  I spent two whole nights looking for groups, foundations, and charity organizations to add to hers.  I sent a begging email letter to every single one of them.  About fifteen in all.  Plus I sent begging email letters to several more hospitals other than UCLA.  About five more.  Plus I’m emailing all the cancer links I can find whether it’s my cancer or not.

WORSE NEWS:  I fear further denials are going to push me over the edge.  No one seems to be able to help.  It gets darker and more hopeless each time I search for help.  I hate it that hope is fading quickly.  I’m only asking for someone to pay for the surgery, lodging and aftercare to save my life.  I’m not asking for cash to be given or sent to me, but for them to pay the care services direct.  I’m not asking for something frivolous like a family trip to Disneyland.  I just don’t understand the excuses and so many limitations on these charitable foundations.  I’ve already received responses from some of them.  There are only about four adult type links that I might actually qualify for.  About 70% of the links were for children only.  Another 10% were for elderly over 65 only.  But some excuses are more specific than that.  Some do not pay for any medical expenses, transportation or prescription help.  Some only pay for people in their state or specific city.  Some only pay for children and some only children between very restricted ages.  One only paid for patients admitted to the six hospitals in their area.  Some are for breast cancer patients only.  Several paid only for patients over the age of 65.  After you add all those up there were only about four left, but I wrote to all of them anyway.  Responses from the hospitals pretty much stated that I had to be indigent, a SSI, Medicare or Medicaid patient residing in their state, or insured or rich – if not within that criteria then I could forget it.  Believe it or not, our income is barely, just barely, above the poverty line, and that excludes us from most charity benefits.  I was denied for SSI because my husband draws unemployment and is not disabled himself.  SSI requires that we have absolutely no income.  I was denied Medicare because I’m not old enough.  I was denied Medicaid because we are above the poverty level (if we were completely without income and living on the streets we would be eligible for more, but we’d lose the baby to CPS).  And even then, we would not qualify for surgery for me out-of-state, even though no one here can do this rare surgery properly.  I received a county medical card, but it is so crappy, surgeons here will not even give me a consult on it.

VACATION TO DIE FOR:  I just don’t understand why taking a free vacation with your children, or going hunting, or having a big party is better than surgery to save your life.  A vacation seems so frivolous.  It’s like saying, “Hey, I’m going to be dead in a few months, but what the h*ll, I’m going to Disneyland.”  There is no wow factor in that for me.  All I can think about is, “This money could be helping me to live longer.  I could spend more meaningful time with my baby.”  Did you know - you can make a wish for a new car, vacation for the entire family, camp fun for the entire family, meet a celebrity, skydiving, take a jet ride with the Blue Angels, go to the Grammy Awards, go to a theme park, get a high-tech toy, travel, shop, get specialized furniture for a home, vacation in Las Vegas, go to a live football game and meet the players, and … well, you get the idea.  But I cannot seem to get donated surgery so I can live a little longer for the sake of the baby.

SLEEPING BEAUTY:  I am exhausted personally, and I have exhausted all avenues for help.  I’m so exhausted I don’t even have the energy to cry anymore.  I’m now just waiting for the last few responses or denials to my many emails – more likely denials.  One organizer was honest enough to say it was very unlikely I would find surgery help due to my cancer being so rare.  He said if it were more common like breast or prostrate cancer, I’d have a better opportunity for help.  If only I could sleep for a very, very long time and forget all this.