Happy Hell of a Mother's Day!

I waved goodbye to my Marine son last week, and kissed and hugged him so much that I practically flattened him.  I’ve been moping ever since.  The Marines reimbursed him for his total plane fare from Virginia to Las Vegas, and the truck drive back to North Carolina.  What a great organization!  With that reimbursement, he put some money aside to fly me out to see him before the end of summer.  I’ll get one last visit with my baby to cherish.

We’re still waiting for a court date for the adult adoption papers between my husband and Marine son.  The Legal Guardianship of the baby is all completed.

I started chemo-radiation on Monday, May 2.  I threw up most of the day Tuesday and Wednesday.  Finally got it under control with compazine on Thursday.  My chemo consists of Cisplatin and FU5 delivered through the Smart Port every fourth week.  I get a power injected infusion of Cisplatin and FU5 on Monday of the week, followed by four more days of FU5 that I carry in a bag on my side at home.  Then I get removed from the bag and given a shot to increase my white cells that causes my bones to ache.  The little bit of reprieve between the weeks of chemo and nausea helps somewhat.  I noticed that the radiation has relieved some of the eating issues – temporarily.  I was told in advance that it would.  I had gotten to the point where I could no longer swallow solids without a great deal of pain.  The radiation reduced the size of the tumor – temporarily – and I can eat again for a short while.  I’ve been warned that in about two to three more weeks, the tumor will swell from the radiation and may completely block the throat for a while.  Lovely!  Just lovely!  I still have not found a surgeon to put in the stomach feeding tube for when that happens, so my oncologist said he would just have the radiation team do it.  I have to wonder if that’s something they do on a regular basis or if this was just a “last ditch” offer.  It’s not like I have a choice.  Three surgeons turned me down.  No one wants to work past the tumor.  HEY SURGEONS!  I’M DYING ALREADY!  SO WHAT IF YOU KILL ME DURING SURGERY! 

But really, I’m only hanging in until I get the rest of my paperwork for the family done, and maybe one last visit in with my youngest son.

My older son is not handling this well at all.  He, too, is a former Marine.  But he has had some marital and child care problems.  That’s why his son, my grandson, lives with us.  We found out this week that he is leaving his wife and heading to Alaska to work on the pipeline.  I wonder if that is even true, or if he is just abandoning his family because he can’t handle anything anymore.

I began attending my old home church, near my father’s house, where I was baptized many long years ago.  I’m taking my husband and grandbaby, and hoping they will make a few connections to get them through my death.  My father seems to be holding stable.  The dementia has not progressed much.  But I know my husband is going to be overwhelmed when I die, with all these new responsibilities.  At least he can get some counseling and have some one to grieve with.

I applied for Social Security Disability and SSI like every one said I should.  I was turned down for both.  I didn’t work enough quarters to get SSD, because I was raising my children.  Since my husband is not disabled, then I don’t qualify.  And it seems that if someone is on unemployment then they make too much for SSI.  It doesn’t matter that more than half the unemployment goes for Cobra payments and co-pays, which leaves us living on less than $500 a month – and we pay a car payment, utilities and groceries out of that..  Yah!  It’s not enough even for that, but my husband picks up cans, washes cars, and even mows lawns for extra to get by.  Need your lawn mowed?  Your car washed?  Anything??

This past week of puking and hot flashes and nausea and aching has been hell.  I don’t know how many more I’m willing to go through.