Easter - Bleak, Sad, Weary but with some Smiles

Our greatest problem right now is income.  We have absolutely none.  We are working on re-establishing the Unemployment.  It may take a few weeks, and that’s if we are eligible depending on what the casino writes down as the reason for his termination.  Even if all goes well and the unemployment starts up again on a week or two, the few weeks with no income at all is causing us to sink.  The little income we had at least covered my Cobra payments, co-pays, van payment and utilities.  We struggled for groceries and diapers, but we squeaked by week to week.  The two weeks without income has made everything late and offers nothing to help us catch up.  My husband is very well trained and exceptionally experienced in food service as a gourmet back waiter, food server, buffet food server, gourmet food server, and gourmet busser.  We apply for every single opening at every single restaurant and casino we see or hear about.  The openings we miss are in the local neighborhoods – like your local Applebee’s, I-Hop, diners, and privately owned restaurants that may place a Help Wanted banner in the window.  We live in North Las Vegas.  If you see any restaurants that are looking for food servers (waiters-waitresses) in you area – North Las Vegas, Las Vegas, Henderson, Sun City, etc., please let us know.  Even if unemployment is re-started, we only have about five weeks left on it.

Since my husband lost his job, we are almost penniless – literally.  We cashed in our coins - $60.  We scavenged the cars for change - $2.10.  We cashed in all the tin cans - $38.  And it’s not enough for this month’s bills.  We have a few things left we could sell.  Big items we haven’t been able to move yet.  We have a pool table, valued at $1700, with tons of accessories, valued at $300, at our foreclosing home in Pahrump.  We would happily part with it for $350.  You’d have to go to Pahrump to pick it up.  I also have a beautiful hard wood kitchen table with six chairs, two captain chairs and four regular.  It is an easy slide table with an extension leaf – removal and adding the leaf is so easy a single person can do.  It was purchased several years ago for $600.  We’ll let it go for $150.  It’s in Pahrump, but my husband could borrow a truck and bring it to Vegas for someone who buys it – cash up front.  I also have a very expensive 24x36 inch lighted, adjustable artist table.  It was shipped to me from New York, used in my magazine business several years ago for cut and paste layouts.  It cost $1800.  Will let it go for $300.  It’s in Pahrump, too.  I plan to make a trip to Pahrump the weekend of May 7 for the last of our stuff, since the house is going back to the bank very soon.  I hope I’m well enough for the trip and packing.  Otherwise, everything will be hauled to the dump by the foreclosure people, including my keepsakes like the baby’s booties and my wedding pictures.  Pray for my strength.  I really want some of these items, so I can include them in my genealogy boxes for my children. And we really need the money to pay our bills for another month.  If we can survive this month, maybe my husband’s unemployment will start by then or he’ll have another job.

My Marine son leaves Tuesday for Cherry Point, NC.  We gave him our second vehicle, 2007 Dodge 1500 truck, because it has payments and we were unable to sell it.  He will drive it back to his new base.  We cannot afford the payments anymore and he needs a vehicle.  We bought it when my credit rating was 800, so the payments and interest rate are very low for him.  It’s much lower than anything he could buy on new credit at 19 years of age.  Plus, we bought the truck for such a deal right when gas prices went so high the first time.  It was considered used, because it had 8,000 miles on it, but actually that was practically new.  We got it for thousands below blue book.  He sold his car, which was an old Kia that he got when he graduated.  He gave us that money because he planned to use it for a down payment on whatever vehicle he bought.  It was $1000.  That really helped.  We paid two Cobra payments with it, so my health insurance is set for two more months, plus we bought a big box of diapers.  We kept one vehicle – the van.  We cannot be without a car due to our two-year-old’s seizures.  We need it for those emergency trips to the hospital when he seizes, and for my daily treatments coming up, and for my husband to job hunt.  No vehicle at all means no way to get or keep a job and no emergency transport for the baby.  All we need to do is cover the van payment and utilities for this month, and a few groceries.  I am so depressed and weary.  For the first time, I am able to type this without crying.  I’m just at the point where my tears are dry and I feel no emotion at all anymore.  Maybe that’s better.

We had to postpone my chemo-rad treatments.  They were supposed to start April 25^th.  However, we ran into a slew of problems.  My Smart Port implant looks like it is infected.  We may have to wait until the infection clears up, maybe even remove it if the infection gets worse.  Plus, radiation is having difficulty lining up my procedure lines.  I’ve had two sets of x-rays, each one delaying the treatments a few more days, and still have to get another set before we can begin.  I’m not sure what the exact problem seems to be, and I’m at a point where I just don’t really care so I don’t bother asking questions anymore.  My attitude seems to be, “Just kill me and get it over with.”  I know that’s not good, but again, I don’t seem to care.  Plus, it seems like the Cancer Clinic is over loaded with patients and appointments.  Scheduling is a nightmare that changes constantly.

On top of all that, our court date for my husband’s Legal Guardianship of the baby is going to be April 26^th.  I told the chemo-rad schedulers absolutely no treatments until after the court date.  I do not want to appear sick in court, or give the courts any excuse to not grant the Guardianship.  The bad news seems to continue.  If we receive the Guardianship papers with no problems, I will see the first bright spot on the horizon since all this started.  PLEASE!  I need a one little ray of sunshine or hope!  Please keep us in your prayers and hearts as we go to court Tuesday.  My husband, my father with dementia, and my Marine son are the only ones the baby has left.  My father is having trouble with a heart valve, and is too old and not healthy enough to have further surgery.  The doctors say he won’t be around much longer.  My son is stationed all the way across the United States for at least another two to three years. So, my husband is it – the only one left to take care of our darling sweet baby.  With the Guardianship, if it goes through quickly enough, we can add the baby to last couple months of Cobra so he has insurance, too.  It’s really needed because the poor thing has really bad teeth already.  His tiny baby teeth have tons of cavities eating away at the gum lines.  The problem is partially hereditary due to his mother and father’s bad dental problems and partially due to the mother’s drug use during the pregnancy.  We don’t want his little mouth to be hurting him.  I know the teeth do not have roots, but they still need to be taken care of.  My Marine son had baby caps on his teeth when he was four, so I know the dentist can help the teeth.

I guess my suicidal demeanor came through at my chemo class.  I visited the financial officer to explain that my insurance will be running out before my chemo finishes.  In tears and between sobs, I explained my husband’s job loss, the end of my Cobra, the care of the baby, and begged them to continue the treatments when I am no longer able to pay.  They were quite wonderful about it.  The financial officer counseled me about options and gave me a ton of paperwork, which depressed me further.  I have to be the one who fills out the paperwork and gathers the necessary proof, but I’m just too weary.  They assigned me a Social Worker.  The Social Worker called me and offered to help.  She actually offered real help and not just lip service.  I have been so overwhelmed by everything and so depressed that I simply am not functional.  Add to that the extreme weariness and lack of motivation caused by the depression and this sick body – and well, it just stops you in your tracks.  I was spending all day, every day, lying in bed.  I was ignoring nutrition, barely eating, crying all the time, and extremely stressed over all the things that need to be finished before my son leaves again, and for the household before I die.  The crying has stopped, and I guess that means things are worse, because sometimes I no longer care at all about anything.

The hardest part is all the paperwork.  In order to apply for anything, get help, or even pay bills, you need the energy to get the paperwork together.  I simply do not have it.  I struggle and plan and have good intentions, because I know how very much I need to complete all the forms for help – but I cannot get enough energy to get it done.  The Social Worker has been helpful to a degree.  Anything helps at this point and is greatly appreciated by me.  On her advice, I went ahead and applied for Social Security Disability online, on the grounds that I have a disease that will cause my imminent death.  The paperwork was volumes.  I still have to drop part of the print outs off at the Social Security Office.  Chances are it will not get approved before I die but supposedly it sets the background for approval for other forms of help.  She also wants me to fill out paperwork for SSI, welfare, and Cobra payment assistance.  I was instructed to drink Boost or Ensure three to four times a day to keep up my calories and weight.  But the cost is $3 a bottle, and that’s $12 a day, which is over $300 a month.  I guess that’s fine if the rest of my family does not plan to eat, and if that’s all I eat.  The Social Worker gave me a connection that will provide the Ensure.  I not sure yet how much they can provide, but I’ll find out this week.  That really helped.  That’s the sort of thing I need, solutions to the problems, not lip service.  I know all the alternatives and options people offer – like stand on the corner and beg for money, or get a part time job, or work at home, or get welfare.  They obviously have no experience with this type of cancer or they would know that I am unable to do any of that.  And my husband is trying so hard.  He applies for every job out there – and I mean every job, even McDonald’s and dishwashing.  He is also struggling with extreme depression.  He cries a lot and is having difficulty functioning as well.  The Social Worker is really trying to help.  She also said they may be able to get me a grant that will make one van payment for me.  It will take a month or two if we are approved.  I told her the van is paid up so far, and with that one payment we can probably hold out four months before they repossess it.  The Social Worker will also set up a welfare appointment for me so I don’t have to sit too long in the offices like I did for the Social Security replacement card.

Today’s Easter.  I pushed myself to get out of bed for the baby.  We put together a little basket for him from items we bought at Saver’s.  I colored a dozen eggs, and my Marine son hid them in the yard.  My son used his camera to take photos of the baby finding the eggs, and we took photos of everyone together.  A couple of my Marine son’s friends brought over several bags of groceries and they are cooking dinner for us today.  A small sliced ham, mashed potatoes, baked beans, deviled eggs (if the baby doesn’t crush them too much) and garlic bread.  They also brought me some instant breakfast mix, milk and cottage cheese.  It was so sweet of them.  Anyone who trashed today’s teenagers should meet my son’s friends.  They are such good boys.  One more small bit of good news – the same paralegal who did our Legal Guardianship papers, also gave me paperwork for my Marine son’s adoption.  Her office took up a collection and paid the filing fees for the adoption.  They called us Friday to pick up the papers.  That was a nice Easter surprise. Today is not as bleak as others have been.  I guess that’s good.