I plan to or hope to live until mid-May 2011. My Marine son is spending April with me. He was given 30 days of emergency leave to spend with me. I told him yesterday that when the dying gets closer, I will not be calling him to come back again, to be at my side, because I want him to remember me as I am now and not more feeble and awful looking. I want to focus away from being sick as much as I can while he is here. I want to make some last happy memories with him. He understood and agreed that he would not be mad at me if I decide I do not want him at my side as I die.
My youngest brother, whom I mostly raised, is coming in May to get married. They booked one of the cheap wedding chapels and will spend their honeymoon on bunkbeds at my house (that is, if I can find a couple cheap sets before they arrive, otherwise it will be mattresses on the floor). (Maybe I can find a couple of cheap roll-away beds?) They moved the wedding from Vancouver, Washington, to Las Vegas, when they found out I had cancer. We had originally planned to all get in the van and share expenses to go to Washington, taking turns and driving straight through. But my illness changed that. I'm so glad I'll be able to see him one more time. I raised him, he's my baby, too. They are saving every nickel and dime to get here, and both of our families here are chipping in for gas instead of buying wedding gifts. I'm so glad his bride was willing to sacrifice this for me.
After that, I should be done. The paperwork will be completed, my treatments will have started and I will know if there is any hope of extra time, and if there's not, I can let go.
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