Slow Death – or Suicide?

I guess for now I’ve chosen a slow death that I can end my own way at any time with suicide.  I’ve set my treatments with radiation, 28 days straight, combined with chemotherapy every two weeks for a four-day stretch for several months.  I go to the clinic every day at noon for the radiation, and I go to the clinic chemo room the first day every other week for four hours of pushed Smart Port IV with antibiotics and nausea medications, followed by a chemo drip plugged into me for four continuous days with a fanny pack around my waist to haul it.  I get a short break between the huge chemo bags every other week.  They tell me once the radiation begins to kill the tumor and surrounding tissues including the skin it goes through, there will be a great deal of non-stop pain that will last for some time - like a burn or deep bruise that does not heal, plus nausea.  The chemo starts out mild and has an accumulative build up.  I may not have nausea or flu-like symptoms right away, plus you get that little rest in-between the treatments, but after the third week or so, the nausea becomes pretty intense and lasting along with joint pain, etc.  

With my lack of medicinal tolerance, they are pretty much guaranteeing I’ll get real sick on the chemo, sicker than most, and we may have to start and stop it several times as I get the nausea under control, or stop it completely if I cannot get control.  I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to tolerate it.  The ONLY good thing going into this, is my husband will be home to help me a little – but of course, that is due to a bad thing – the loss of his job and our total income. 

I’m applying for any help we can get, but there’s not a lot out there with all the government cuts.  I was told to get Boost or Ensure and drink three to four a day, but at $2-$3 a bottle, that’s like $10 a day or $300 a month.  My COBRA will not cover it.  They also said get a wig before chemo starts because I’ll be too tired to go after one later, and most insurances cover it.  I checked.  Mine does not. 

I’m wondering how I’m going to manage.  We now have no income which means we may lose our only vehicle, which is my husband’s only means for transportation for possible work or interviews or job hunting.  I figure we have about three months until the car is repossessed.  I’m wondering how I will manage the chemo and daily radiations without a car, or how I will manage any of this without a car. 

I really truly just want to die.  The cancer center social worker asked if I had a plan for dying.  Don’t we all?  I told her they didn’t have to worry until my Marine son leaves, after that no promises, but I didn’t tell them when he is leaving.  I’ll tolerate the treatments for a while, but I swear, if they lied to me, and I get much sicker than they said – it’s time to go.  I want quality with my baby and husband, not long days of puking and being sick and hubby cleaning up after me.  He has enough on his shoulders now.  I need to help him find another job, a day time one, so the baby can go to day care while he works.  After that, I think it’s time to cash out.