Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sad, Depressed, Hopeless
I desperately need something to grasp onto. I have my grandson's legal guardianship papers underway. And I'm working on my son's adoption papers by his step-father. I have nothing for myself. Nothing to hold onto. And swallowing is becoming painful and difficult again. I have another procedure Thursday that will hopefully relieve some of the swallowing pain. I feel totally hopeless, and without motive to live. I just do not know what to do. I am holding on to April to spend an emergency leave month with my youngest son, who is a new Marine. And the first two weeks of May, hoping to see my brother get married for the second time to his girlfriend of 2 years. After that, nothing. Even holding on to that seems bleak and useless, but it's a goal of some sort. I so very much need something good to happen in my life. It seems like one bad episode after another. I cannot even begin to list all the bad events, that have happened and continue to happen. If just one good thing could come, it would mean so much. But it doesn't come. We just get straw after straw piled on the camel's already broken back. Just when I think I can't cry amymore, another disaster piles on and I cry some more. I keep screaming, "Help," but I am unable to tell anyone how to help, and no one answers the cry any way. What does anyone do to deserve such anguish and torment? Help me. I cry it over and over, but it falls on deaf ears.
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Dear EZ: Yes, several weeks ago I could eat lobster (which is soft and goes down easier), steak (if I chewed it to death first) amd bread (again, if I chewed it to death first), but the tumor has advanced and now swallowing is much more difficult and painful. My meals consist of mainly instant breakfast and softer foods now, like noodles,soups, etc. I have not recovered from multiple sclerosis or rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia, and at this time I am unable to take some of the medications prescribed for those, as I undergo some more procedures to measure the depth of the tumor's invasiveness and spread to other lymph nodes. I am happy about my son's emergency leave which has been given in advance of my dying. Thankfully the Marines understand the need for family and my closeness to my son. They have also promised him and additinal two weeks of leave when my illness places me so close that my death is imminent. But as for having things to cvelebrate - Really!?! What do you see is there to celebrate when the doctors make errors that prevent my needed treatment, my husband's part-time job is jeopardized by my illness, my insurance coverage ends in July essentially making any treatments or surgeries unlikely. So really??? Where is half-full???
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