Update - March 28, 2011

A nice surprise when we got home today.  There was a small package on the porch from Amazon.com, my wish list.  Someone had sent me the book, “Hope in the Face of Cancer.”  I didn’t see a card with it and no name of who sent it.  But thank you very much.  I’m reading it now.  These little glimmers sure help.

I'm hanging in here.  I want to see my Marine son this next month.  He arrives on Friday.  It was a bit iffy there for a while about getting his air fare.  Something Obama was not doing was delaying his paycheck.  I think he had to approve a budget or something.  My son borrowed enough for the ticket from a staff sergeant, and will pay him back out of his next check.

I've been so exhausted lately.  I have a hard time even getting out of bed. It's probably because I'm not getting enough nutrients because I eat so little.  It's painful when I eat.  I swallow and then it feels like the food gets lodged in my chest.  The place where it feels like it lodges is quite painful.  The doctor says the pain is the food trying to get past the tumor which has almost completely closed the opening.  I try to eat soft stuff, but even liquids seem to lodge against the tumor.  I eat slow, little bites, chewed very thoroughly, until I tire out and then I sleep some more.

I made myself get up and go out for a short time Saturday morning.  It was my father's 80th birthday.  He's not doing real well either.  In addition to his dementia the doctor tells me he now has a heart valve that is not functioning right.  My dad can feel there is something wrong, but the doctor knows to assure him everything is alright, and it's just his age.  With his dementia, any bad news including my cancer, can make him intolerable to be around.  He just focuses on it with a vengeance, over and over and over, worrying it too death.  Only a person who understands dementia can understand what this is like.  His leg swells now, and he tires much easier.  This requires more care from all of us, something that I do not have enough left to give.  I went out and bought a cake, took him to the nursery to look at plants, and then sat with him under the tree in the backyard for a while.  Then I went back to bed.  That's my full routine lately.  Dad notices it but I chalk it up to getting old, which he understands all too well.

I spent the next day and half in bed recovering from the spent energy, and trying to get some food down to give me some energy.  I have so many things to do, so many little things, not of such importance, but they certainly need done.  I need to fill out paperwork for another consult appointment (ten pages - gawd it's awful), and turn in paperwork to a few locations for possible consideration for assistance (which I dread cause it means hours of sitting in hard chairs in a noisy room, so tired I just want to die), go buy diapers and some groceries for the baby, do a little laundry, etc.  The doctor prescribed me some Ritalin, which helps a little.

Today, I dragged out and had my husband take me to some thrift stores.  We needed a toddler stroller and second car seat.  The stroller we have was okay, usable, but the lock for the wheels was broken.  We bought it second hand two years ago and it was worn out.  The lock on the wheels is important because I have a hard enough time getting him out it without it rolling when I’m alone with him. I usually have to take him to doctor appointments with me.  The first stop was the Salvation Army store on Lake Mead, the warehouse.  They had lots of things but no strollers at all and the only carseats were for infants.  Since we were right by the freeway, we jumped on and went across town to check out the newer Savers store on Decatur and Sahara.  We lucked out.  Only the second stop and we found both a stroller and a carseat.  The stroller was ten dollars and the brakes worked, but it was very dirty.  We’ll clean it up.  The carseat was eight dollars, also dirty, but we’ll clean it up, too.  Glad that’s done.  Oh, and we also found two pair of shoes for him, just $2.50 each.  I hated spending the money but it really was necessity.  We tried to fix the old stroller, but my husband is about as mechanical as a cat.  Again, I was so exhausted when we returned.  Went right back to bed.  I hate that.  I want so much to spend time with the baby.  He keeps asking to be with me.  He keeps asking for “Nana.”  But he’s so hard active, and his little feet and hands hurt so much when he pounds against me. He doesn’t mean to but he really hurts me physically when he plays with me.  So he spent the day with Papa and a friend of my son’s who is here to visit with him this month, too.

That’s all today.  Tired.  Going back to bed.  Anyone have some recipes for healthy energy drinks or energy smoothies?