Some Understand I am Weary and Cannot Go On

Thank you, LovesToLaugh, for understanding.  LovesToLaugh is a person on another web site that helps me through this - http://www.dailystregth.org/ .  The treatments doctors have offered so far have been awful, and yet the doctors push me to hurry and make a decision.  All I see is "A decision for what? Dying in pain, or puking my guts out, or running around for several appointments a week when I can barely get out of bed most days, or dying during surgery."  Each option "might" lengthen my time, but the key word is "might."  And the time it gives me, the lengthened time, includes the treatment itself.  If I take chemo-rad for four to six months, I'm sick that four to six months with flu-like symptoms, but I get that four to six months.  So what?  It's a "sick" four to six months, where I am unable to go anywhere or do anything except go to more doctor appointments to get sicker.  I can get laser-gamma-surgery which burns the tumor away, but I get the radiation burn which makes me sick, and it lengthens my time a few months, however that few months is also recovery time from the radiation burn and it's not pretty.  Or I could choose surgery, a resection of my esophagus where they cut it out, move the stomach up, re-sew everything together with a piece of bowel, and then experience a long three-to-six month recovery time without eating and using a feeding tube to the stomach.  Absorbing nutrients after this becomes difficult, plus there is a high chance of not surviving the surgery, of infections following the surgery, of leaks because the tissue is so hard to connect, etc., etc., etc.  I cannot make up my mind without more information and yet, the doctors want me to hurry and just choose one.  I get to choose between dying poorly and worse.  Gee!  Yah, let’s hurry *sarcasm intended*.  

I'm so very, very weary and tired.  I never understood the word "weary" before.  It's much more than tired.  It's a tiredness that just invades the body from head to toe.  People tell me, just get up and get moving and you’ll feel better.  They believe that.  And it irks them when I am unwilling to respond.  I can get up, and get moving, but the energy it takes zaps me so much that it’s not worth it.  If I run a few errands or go to a doctor appointment, it takes me literally two to three days to recover from it.  I’d rather lie in bed. I do exactly what I have to and no more, and that little bit is so exhausting it makes me want to die sooner.  My time is coming.  Maybe I just need to let go now.  I’m only here now because I want to spend some end time with my baby (a 19-year-old Marine) who gets the month of April for emergency leave to come see me.  We’ll finish adult adoption papers while he’s here, an adoption of him by my husband, his stepfather.  Then I’ll hang on a little longer to attend my baby brother’s wedding in May.  He’s coming to Las Vegas for the wedding, just so I can attend.  I get to see him happy with a new wife who really loves him.  I want to die after that.  I was hoping to make it to New Year’s but I can feel in my body that it just will not happen.  The only regret I have is I will not live to see my own last baby (my Marine) marry and have grandbabies.  I wanted so much to hold and love his babies.