Too Depressed to Post - Sorry

I'm sorry.  I've been crying a lot and just too depressed to post.  You really don't want to read this because I am depressed and it will be depressing.

And on top of being depressed, I was so sick yesterday.  The pain in my throat where the tumor rests just above my chest bone at the top of my stomach has been so bad, but the pain medication for it and the pain medication for my fibromyalgia seem to help - at least enough so I can stand it.  But yesterday I hurt so bad and was dizzy and nauseous all day.  I wondered of I overdosed a bit mixing all those drugs together even though the doctor said it was okay.  I have bad reactions to many drugs but I've taken all these okay.  But maybe just got too much.  Others with this type of cancer have told me they cannot eat at all.  I don't understand that.  My tumor is huge.  I finally saw pictures of it after my EUS, March 17th.  The doctor says it will eventually totally obstruct my esophagus so that no even fluids will pass.  He said it looks almost completely obstructed now and wondered how I was eating.  But it's weird.  It's not like the other said.  Maybe that's due to my high pain tolerance or where the tumor is located just above my stomach opening.  Some days I can only do instant breakfasts.  I try to drink four or five in one day when it's hard to get them down.  But swallowing is not the problem nor is eating.  The problem is not when I chew and swallow food.  Sometimes the food feels like it goes down fine - especially if it is soft or slick foods like shrimp (not breaded), or noodles, or mash potatoes or cream of wheat.  But when I eat something like bread or bread texture, or just about anything solid now, even if I chew it too death, it goes down most of the way and then it feels like it gets stuck, hard and painfully stuck, right in the spot where they put their hands to do CPR on your chest.  It hurts so bad it bends me over.  It feels like someone reached in my chest, grabbed my heart and twisted it hard as they could.  Really!  I know it sounds weird, but that's what it feels like.  And even though I've named a few foods that are soft, sometimes even the soft foods do it.  It's like hit and miss.  Some days I make it okay and others, everything I eat hurts.  I try to drink fluids to wash food down but the fluids seem to stop right on top of the food obstruction, and I wind up choking and coughing and drowning in the fluids.  I get really, really hungry sometimes and just want to eat something solid, but most of the time, I just have no appetite at all because I know it's going to hurt.  My doctor is constantly on me to keep eating and keep my weight up.  I was doing good for a while but now I've lost ten more pounds.  He says to eat calorie rich foods, but anything calorie rich seems to be painful to get all the way down.

The depression of not being able to see anything good come about and the feeling that I'm slowly slipping away now, is just taking me over.  We were trying to get my Marine son a ticket to come see us, but his pay is messed up.  I think he said it had something to do with Obama not signing a budget bill or something.  He can come see me for a month, for emergency family leave.  The whole month of April.  I am looking forward to that.  So, we are pulling everyone together in the family, $10 here and another $10 there, to get a ticket.  Last I talked to him, he said he might be able to hitch a ride with guy who is headed to Pendleton.  But that means I lose about 3-4 days off his time with me.  I'm hoping they will get the pay thing fixed before his schooling ends on April 1st.  I keep saying over and over - What else can go wrong?  And something else goes wrong. 

Is there no end to this?  Is there no end to all this misery and bad, bad, frigging awful luck or fate or whatever?  Or do I have to end to make it end?  Everything seems so hopeless.  I am forcing myself out of the house this week to something other than a doctor appointment.  I'm really going to try.  Just please - pray that no more bad things get piled on me while I try to step out past this depression.  I need a good thing to happen.  I need some good things to out weigh and cover all this negativity.  I hate needing things.