I Grabbed the Bottom of the Barrel Today

How desperate does one get in trying to lengthen their time?

The answer is pretty desperate!  Would I think about shortening the time of someone else to lengthen mine?  The honest answer is – depends on who.  Would I stoop to begging?  Already have!  Would I sell out?  Would I make a fool of myself?  Would I compromise my values?

I grabbed the bottom of the barrel today.  I have a great doctor (oncologist) who gave me several numbers to call when I have questions or I am depressed.  My only questions right now center on the UCLA consult on Thursday.  I asked a lot of questions about my viability for the surgery.  My tumor is 10-inches long.  That is a very long tumor and doctors for my type of cancer do not generally operate on a tumor that size.  There is discussion as to whether I am stage III or stage IV, but the PET/CAT scan shows it has spread to the nearby lymph nodes.  I need to get an EUS (esophageal ultra sound) for more accurate results on whether the tumor has invaded my lung or pushed through esophageal wall into other areas.  But there is only one doctor in all Las Vegas that does that test.  That doctor’s staff doesn’t have a good grasp on appointment setting, follow through, or much else.  I’ve been lost in their shuffle.  Such is my luck.  I may have to get the test at UCLA instead, on the day of my consult or the days thereafter – if it even matters by then.

I am told by my doctor that UCLA bases their decisions for surgery on several things.  They look at the tumor and decide whether it is feasible to remove it and remake the esophagus.  They look at my viability to survive the surgery healthwise.  They look at how much the cancer has spread and whether it is possible to extend my time.  They look at whether the surgery is helpful or salvage surgery.  Yes, salvage surgery is just what it sounds like.  They look at whether I have a good support system while recovering in the hospital and after I return home.  Any of the above items or a combination of them can cause the surgery to be turned down.

When your life depends on it, you can beg real well.  And I will beg those doctors for this surgery.  But I was missing an important component to their possible “yes” decision.  I had no one to be with me through the surgery and the first four days of recovery at the hospital.  Hell, they actually prefer you have someone there the entire time (a full two weeks or longer), but the minimum is four to five days. 

I live in North Las Vegas, Nevada.  My husband has been unemployed for two years.  He was just hired for a new job five weeks ago – actually, on the very same week I was diagnosed.  He cannot miss work this soon after starting or he could lose the job.  Every one else I could ask either works, and cannot afford to miss that much work, or has committed to helping with child care while I am in the hospital.  UCLA is a six hour drive from my home.  No one can get away to accompany me that far or for that long.

So, I grabbed the bottom of the barrel today.  I asked my ex-husband to take me, stay with me, and fill that position.  Without knowing our history, you cannot possibly understand the dynamics of this decision.  I grabbed the bottom of the barrel today.  He will go with me.  He was practically delighted to do it.  I grabbed the bottom of the barrel today.  I cannot go lower than this.